Q 13

PLAYBOY: What scares you?

Martin Mull: Every once in a while, I'll take a look at the world. I'll read the entire newspaper or watch hours of TV news, and I'll feel as if the whole planet may well be getting a little dumber and feeding its own dumbness, as if life is getting cheaper. I like what Lily Tomlin says: Why does history repeat itself? Because nobody listens the first time. Realizing you can be blown out of the sky or find the neighbors' kid in the garbage can, wrapped in newspaper--that scares me. My own driving also scares me. But what really looms over everyone's head is what it would be like if California had blue laws and you couldn't buy booze on Sunday.

Q 14

PLAYBOY: You're sitting in a Mexican restaurant. You're on your second double margarita. The woman with you apparently believes most of what you're saying. What do you do when the mariachis come over?

Martin Mull: I'd very heatedly start talking in German, to the point where they'd realize there was going to be no communication and no tip and it was time to move on. Actually, with my Ohio stomach, I wouldn't be in a Mexican restaurant unless I were also in a sitz bath of Maalox.

Q 15

PLAYBOY: Defend dentistry.

Martin Mull: You know that dentists have the highest suicide rate of anyone. No? Then you heard it here first--and possibly last. We even deal with that simple premise in an episode of Domestic Life. My wife, who is played by Judith Marie Bergan, reads in the paper about dentists' suicide rate. And, quite frankly, that settles it. We have our dentist over for dinner. Of course, when the man comes by, he already has one foot off the Golden Gate. We keep the table knives away from him.

I've looked into the phenomenon and I've found that, number one, dentists usually work in very small spaces. Dentists' offices are not palatial; certainly not the room with the chair. Number two, most of dentists' conversations are one-way. They get answers like "Hranglenlydoplk." Number three, people usually feel worse when they leave than when they arrive. The list is endless. I guess I haven't actually defended dentists. I simply justify. However, I do defend their right to kill themselves. The right to life and the right to dentistry are very similar. Defending the right to dentistry is one of the few things that would take me away from my painting and the Sunday crossword.

Q 16

PLAYBOY: What can we learn from looking at paintings?

Martin Mull: After leaving an exhibition, I'll find that my perception of the outside world has been changed. Instantly. My experience has been altered by the artist's vision, and I will see things that I haven't seen before. Most visual art is, to some extent, distillation. You've drawn perimeters; the canvas gives you a top, bottom and sides. But those edges aren't there when you walk down the street. So if the real world is orange juice, then art is like orange-juice concentrate. Like a guide dog, paintings help you see.

Q 17

PLAYBOY: Your artwork has appeared in national magazines. You've had exhibitions. Why aren't you painting for a living?

Martin Mull: Needless to say, it's very difficult to buy that Bel Air mansion going door to door with your drawings, saying, "This one or the dog? What do you think?" Or "I'll draw your dog. You don't have one? I'll get you one." Most of us in the fine arts have what are known as day gigs. Instead of driving a cab to get enough money for my oils, I was able to host a talk show and be in films. The remuneration for cab driving was not even comparable.

Q 18

PLAYBOY: Describe ultimate sex.

Martin Mull: Ultimate sex would probably be dying right when you came. Wouldn't you say? Anything else is penultimate. Of course, I hope this doesn't set off another rash of dead dentists.

Q 19

PLAYBOY: What does a man of culture never do?

Martin Mull: I think licking the sink in a public rest room is out. Have we reached the 20th question yet?

Q 20

PLAYBOY: This is it. You've been called a master of timing. Name three instances in life where timing is crucial.

Martin Mull: Can I get back to you on that tomorrow? Or perhaps the day after?