Today's Featured Question:
 
My girlfriend and I often stay with friends on weekend trips. This past weekend the walls were so thin I could hear the clock ticking one floor down. In this situation is it rude to make "fun noises"? Keep in mind that there is no way for us to be quiet. We have a good time and like to hear it. The bed will rock, the floor will creak, the windows will rattle. Please advise.
-- R.W., Chicago, Illinois

Answer:
 
You obviously don't have kids. If you tend to fuck with volume, why not explore a new sexual frontier by hitting the mute button? First, place a private wager: If either partner makes a noise louder than the ticking of that clock, he or she will pay a fine to be decided by the other. It can be as simple as having to wash the dishes for a week. Then communicate only with facial expressions and by guiding each other's hands. You'll find that fucking in silence slows everything down -- it's hard to thrust like a madman when you can't make squishing noises. You'll also look into each other's eyes longer and pay closer attention to breathing and body language. Each moan that escapes will sound like a trumpet. Trust us, concentrated silence will make you feel like teenagers again, and no one will suspect a thing.

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Photograph by Stewart Smith