The caloric content of a teaspoon of semen is minimal (perhaps one or two calories) and the nutritional value practically nonexistent. And since semen does not contain any artificial flavoring, meat by-products or monosodium glutamate, your organically inclined friends can continue their inclinations toward your organ. Also, semen does not cause cavities, does not improve the voices of opera singers, does not clear up your complexion (even when applied directly from the tube) and does not cause the growth of facial hair. It does cause babies.

The chemical composition of ejaculate varies from individual to individual and within the same individual from time to time. Semen is essentially seminal plasma and spermatozoa. Approximately 8 percent of the substance is dry weight. According to the fine print on the label, it contains minute quantities of more than 30 elements such as fructose, ascorbic acid, cholesterol, creatine, citric acid, urea, uric acid, sorbitol, pyruvic acid, glutathione, inositol, lactic acid, nitrogen, B12, various salts and enzymes. According to doctors with better eyesight and more time than we have, the average ejaculate also contains between 78 million and 787 million sperm.

Although the amount of ejaculate varies among men and the volume of any given man's ejaculate relates to his number of recent orgasms (higher frequency of orgasms may lessen the amount of ejaculate), the average is one teaspoon of semen per orgasm. If it's any compensation, the initial spurt of ejaculate, as clocked by Herant Katchadourian and Donald Lunde in "The Fundamentals of Human Sexuality," travel at 28 mph -- approximately the speed limit in the bus lane on the expressway. We're not suggesting you try to swallow a bus, but it's an interesting thought.