#1 IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE BACHELOR (SEPTEMBER 1960)
I'm sure that other bachelors have been troubled by this problem -- one that I've never been able to solve satisfactorily. Whenever I'm entertaining a young lady à deux in my apartment, it seems that the phone rings and at the other end of the wire is invariably another young lady wanting to talk. What's the best way to ease out of this situation without letting either girl in on it?
-- J.B., Chicago, Illinois
When you escort a young lady into your apartment, for an evening of your own design, nothing should intrude. Turn down the bell on your phone (in both the bedroom and the living room) in advance, so it doesn't jar you or your companion. And if it rings, just gaze at the girl and murmur, "No matter who it is, it can't be more important than you," and don't answer it. The miss you're with will be delightfully flattered. The chick doing the phoning will think you're out, so she won't be bugged by visions of you and a competitor in an intimate situation. Wherever you are, including the bedroom, when the bell tolls, don't let it toll for thee.
#2 OH, BEHAVE (SEPTEMBER 1964)
Is it proper to remove a girl's fashion wig before making love to her?
-- S.L., Baltimore, Maryland
When making love on relatively formal (black-tie) occasions, leave your partner wigged. On informal dates, country weekends and any time before five, untressing is permissible -- if your date consents, of course. But under no circumstances should you move to remove your partner's wig if you suspect (1) she's not wearing one, or (2) she's bald underneath.
#3 OOPS (MARCH 1965)
It may seem sort of silly, but things have reached the stage where I'm really getting a little worried. My daughter, who is 14, and a number of the other kids in the neighborhood have formed a real cult over the Beatles. They have built an altar in one girl's bedroom and they burn candles and recite Beatles prayers they have written. Now their project is writing a Beatle Bible, which starts out "In the beginning the Beatles created the rock and the roll." If they weren't so darned serious about this, it would be pretty funny. But when Susan doesn't go to church with us because they are having their own service in their Beatle Church, I start to worry a little. Worst of all, we have to listen to that awful music over and over and over. What should we do?
-- M.D., San Francisco, California
"And this, too, shall pass away," said a sage about another plague at another time. We suggest you keep cool until the Beatle bugaboo likewise passes away, as it most assuredly will. In the meantime, when Susan plays her records, do your listening with earmuffs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
#4 SOUSA SEX (APRIL 1966)
My fiancé insists on playing his Sousa records while we make love. He claims that this march music is tremendously stimulating. Even though it excites him, it leaves me cold as a cucumber (although I do react to some music). I've tried adapting myself to the situation, but nothing seems to work. If I don't get help soon, I'm going to "march" right out of this engagement. Advice, please.
-- Miss B.T., Houston, Texas
Since martial strains are straining your premarital scene, we think it would be a mistake not to say so. Why not suggest a compromise -- allowing you to choose the background music on alternate evenings. If your fiancé discovers that you truly are more responsive to his lovemaking when the tune being played is more to your liking, he'll be a very foolish fellow if he doesn't soon dispense with the military marches altogether. In the meantime, on nights when John Philip Sousa is conducting, you might try a pair of earplugs.
#5 CHINESE BASKET TRICK (FEBRUARY 1974)
Every now and then, I get a letter from a friend of mine in the merchant marine relating his exploits in foreign ports. The last one came from Hong Kong and contained reference to something called the Chinese basket trick. He said that he had read about it in a book called The Rise and Fall of the Chinese Basket and had finally gotten to try it. Apparently, it was exquisite, but he assumed that I knew what it was, and I don't. Can you give me details?
-- S.K., Hartford, Connecticut
Sure. Lovers suspend a basket from the ceiling of their bedroom with a block and tackle. The woman climbs into the basket and lowers herself until her genitals come into contact with her partner's. (By the way, the basket should have a hole in it, and the trick doesn't work quite as well with the man on top.) Some couples have the man raise and lower the basket, while the woman plucks the ropes as if they were the strings of a harp; the vibrations can be delightful. Other lovers twist the ropes before the woman gets into the basket; the gentle unwinding motion adds a new dimension to the phrase "getting turned on." We've heard of several variations of the Chinese basket trick. Persons concerned with birth control attach the basket to a catapult. When the man feels the approach of orgasm, he tugs a second rope to ensure a rather dramatic form of coitus interruptus. Also, single men sometimes combine the basket with a Chinese finger handcuff (one of those tubes of folded palm fronds that drove you crazy as a kid) for a unique form of masturbation. If you would like to experience the technique and don't happen to have beams in your bedroom, try the Chinese picnic-basket trick. Toss a block and tackle into a basket and find a secluded wood where the tree limbs are fairly thick. Make sure your equipment is secure and never raise your friend higher than you would like her to fall.
#6 AN URBAN LEGEND STARTED (FEBRUARY 1975)
Whenever some time goes by without sexual intercourse, I masturbate. I've heard that masturbation can increase the size of the clitoris. Is this true? Also, I would like to know the size of the largest recorded clitoris.
-- Miss F.A., Redondo Beach, California
Masturbation does not increase the size of either the male or the female genitals. Although no records are kept, one of the largest clitorises known to man belonged to a John Dillinger. It was 19 inches long and is currently on display in the Smithsonian Institution. Ask the guard for the exact location. Contrary to popular belief, Dillinger (nee Joanna) was not a man. The rampant chauvinists of the FBI were loath to allow a woman on the ten-most-wanted list and so perpetrated the rumor that Dillinger was a man. If you think this answer is tongue in cheek, you're wrong: That's not our tongue.
* The Advisor was being too cute by half here; readers wrote for years saying they had heard that John Dillinger had been a woman.
#7 THE BASIC INGREDIENTS (MARCH 1975)
I've just finished reading Erica Jong's Fear of Flying, in which she recounts an anecdote about a woman who was on a strict diet but who still didn't lose weight. The doctor asked her to list everything she ate, then, unable to figure out where the extra calories came from, asked her if she was sure she had listed every mouthful. "Mouthful? I didn't realize that had calories." The woman turned out to be a prostitute who swallowed 10 to 15 mouthfuls of semen a day. Supposedly, "Ten to 15 ejaculations [a day] turned out to be the equivalent of a seven-course meal at the Tour d'Argent." Is this true? A lot of women are reading that book, and I'm afraid that some of them will use the information as an excuse to forgo fellatio. What are the ingredients, caloric count, etc., of the average ejaculation?
-- M.R., Phoenix, Arizona
All right, you clowns -- this is the last time we answer this question. Take notes: A short quiz will be given; pass the written part and you get to take the orals. The chemical composition of ejaculate varies from individual to individual and within the same individual from time to time. Semen is essentially seminal plasma and spermatozoa. Approximately eight percent of the substance is dry weight. According to the fine print on the label, it contains minute quantities of more than 30 elements -- such as fructose, ascorbic acid, cholesterol, creatine, citric acid, urea, uric acid, sorbitol, pyruvic acid, glutathione, inositol, lactic acid, nitrogen, B-12, various salts (sodium, zinc, calcium, chloride, magnesium, potassium, phosphorus, ammonia) and enzymes (hyaluronidase, spermidine, choline, spermine, purine, and pyrimidine) and desoxyribonucleic acid (DNA). Blood-group antigens are also present. The caloric content is minimal (perhaps one or two calories per ejaculate) and the nutritional value practically nonexistent. In other words -- it won't blow a diet. And, since semen does not contain any artificial flavoring, meat by-products or monosodium glutamate, your organically inclined friends can continue their inclinations toward your organ. Just in case Jong writes another book, semen does not cause cavities, does not improve the voices of opera singers, does not clear up the complexion (even when applied directly from the tube), nor does it cause the growth of facial hair on the recipient. It does cause babies.
#8 HOME IMPROVEMENT (APRIL 1976)
For the past seven months, my mistress and I have practiced to perfection a provocative technique that, I am convinced, produces the ultimate in male orgasm. Immediately prior to coitus, the lady employs fine-grained sandpaper to remove a thin layer of epidermis from the whole surface of my penis. The results are an incredible sensitivity and an unbelievably prolonged climax. The only difficulty is the progressive loss both in diameter and in length of my copulatory organ. Recently, I have found it necessary to notify my partner when I have entered her. Please advise.
-- L.H., Detroit, Michigan
Why say anything? It should be obvious that you're not all there.
* In August 1993 a woman wrote to say that she could "almost climax from nipple stimulation alone...I like to attach clips to my nipples or twist them hard, burn them lightly with candle wax or rough them up with sandpaper." That prompted the Advisor to provide an update about the sandpaper guy, who had written with a follow-up report that had never been published. "Apparently he consulted a sex therapist who cured him of the habit by switching to lighter grades of sandpaper, velvet, then a real woman," the Advisor wrote. "He still gets a hard-on every time he passes Ace Hardware."
#9 HALL OF FAME (DECEMBER 1984)
I have been seeing a lady friend for more than a year who is very beautiful, has a great figure and, in her 40s, passes for 30. After the first few months of dating, we became intimate sexually and have continued with a very aggressive sexual program. This is all fine and I really love it, but the thing that puzzles me is that she is obsessed with fellatio. It's not that I object; she really is good at performing the act. However, I believe that, if given the choice, she prefers fellatio to normal intercourse. Whenever we begin foreplay, she will go down on me immediately unless I prevent it. Then she will make the excuse that she has to put in her diaphragm, since she does not take the pill. At times, when she is performing fellatio, she becomes very tenacious and goes at it as if she were a starving animal over its first meal. She moans and groans and makes weird noises and tries to take my entire penis into her mouth. Once she has started, there is no stopping her until I climax. She takes advantage of the situations in which intercourse is not possible, such as while I am driving or in a theater, where she will insist that we sit in a remote and dark area. She fondles my penis until it is erect, then says, "I can't leave you like that," and goes down on me.
She tells me that her late husband loved fellatio and that she sucked him constantly, sometimes four or five times a day. They had no children, which is understandable. There have been evenings when we stayed at her home to watch TV. We would sit on the couch and she would make me comfortable and then lie across the couch in such a manner that she could view TV and at the same time suck me. She has spent hours doing this, and when I have an orgasm, she becomes very aroused sexually and secretes a lot of vaginal fluids. I sometimes think that she has an orgasm herself when I do. At the completion of each orgasm, she runs her fingers down to the base of my penis and drains every drop of semen out of me, and never once has she made a spot on her or my clothes.
Now, she is definitely not a lesbian and has very little to do with women. If she were a man, you would call her a homosexual. But she is a woman and her sexual preference seems to be fellatio rather than intercourse. I am somewhat concerned: Although we have no commitments or obligations between us now, I could become serious about her. How do you describe a female -- either clinically or with a slang expression -- who prefers oral sex?
-- S.R., Atlanta, Georgia
A real find.
