ARGUMENTS

MY WIFE AT HER WORST:
Sometimes yells. Sometimes conflates one mistake I've made into a global condemnation of my character. When I point this out, she relents, laughs at herself and apologizes.

MY STRIPPER EX-GIRLFRIEND AT HER BEST:
CHIVAS: [Her stripper name, not her real name] You didn't introduce me to your friend.
ME: Whuh? [It's 4:17 A.M., and she's woken me up.]

CHIVAS: Two days ago. When we were on Larchmont and those people you knew came up. There were three of them, and you only introduced me to two.
ME: Mike and Millie? Those were the only two I knew. I didn't know the third person, so I didn't know his name...he was a friend of theirs.

CHIVAS: What the fuck were you thinking with that motherfucking mix tape, you faggot?!
ME: What?!

CHIVAS: [Louder, over the sound of her two pit bulls, both of which are now furiously barking] I hate Roxy Music!
ME: What...what...wait....

CHIVAS: You think I like listening to that shit? Make a different fuck mix.
ME: Uh....

CHIVAS:Is that why you didn't introduce me to your gay friend on the street?
ME: What the fuck are you talking about? Why are you waking me up now?

CHIVAS: My dad molested me, and my dogs hate you.