FINANCES

MY WIFE AT HER WORST:
Buys a lot of, in my opinion, overpriced skin-care products.

MY STRIPPER EX-GIRLFRIEND AT HER BEST:
CHIVAS: So you're going to start work in a movie next week?
ME: Yeah. It should be fun.

CHIVAS: I need to borrow some money.
ME: What for? You okay?

CHIVAS: My landlord is a Nazi Hitler.
ME: What's wrong?

CHIVAS: He's all like, "You haven't paid rent in five months, and if you don't cough up the money, I'm going to be a total Hitler and padlock your apartment."
ME: Why haven't you paid your rent?

CHIVAS: What are you, my dad?
[Bark bark bark bark bark bark.]