YOUR CHANCE TO BE A HERO

MY WIFE AT HER WORST:
Sometimes sleeps till noon, depressed about a writing project that has stalled, and needs reassurance about her skills.

MY STRIPPER EX-GIRLFRIEND AT HER BEST:
CHIVAS: Where the fuck are you?
ME: I'm, uh, at work. It's Tuesday, and I'm at work like I always am.

CHIVAS: The police in El Segundo are goddamn Nazi Hitlers.
ME: Oh.

CHIVAS: I need bail money.
ME: Holy shit, what happened?

CHIVAS: They let these old ladies with Alzheimer's disease drive school buses in El Segundo.
ME: Oh shit.

CHIVAS: And this bitch blocks the intersection suddenly, like out of nowhere, and now the front of my car is mulched and can you fucking get down here?!
SHERIFF IN BACKGROUND: Language.

CHIVAS: Oh, fuck off, you...
[Phone is hung up for her.]