As far as the nation's safety is concerned, Brownie isn't the only one doing a heckuva job. Bravely speaking to school children and helping them properly prepare for any and all disasters, Rex the Mountain Lion is raising the spirits of everyone at the Department of Homeland Security. While Playboy.com normally covers plushy collegiate cheerleaders in this feature, we couldn't pass up an opportunity to talk with the nation's first feline of defense.

An all-around athlete, great teacher and a devoted family cat with a wife and daughter (according to the department's website), Rex was recently appointed Homeland Security's mascot to help take the message of preparedness to Americans everywhere. In this exclusive interview with Playboy.com, the nation's top foam spokesman talks about his crazy college years, his problems with duct tape and his own personal shock tactics.

Playboy.com: So Rex, what did you do before you became the Homeland Security mascot?
Rex: I mauled mountain bikers and joggers across Southern California.

Playboy.com: How did you land the Homeland Security gig?
Rex: I had crossed over into television. Small parts. First, I stalked Kim Bauer through the woods on 24. Then I did Six Feet Under, pouncing on a jogger before the opening credits. Dick Cheney, who's a big fan of the show, saw my work and thought I'd make a good impression on students who better behave...or else.

Playboy.com: Were any other cats in the running?
Rex: Well, I wasn't the first choice. Early on, they were negotiating with Montecore, Siegfried & Roy's Siberian white tiger who is now out of work. But Condoleezza told President Bush that "Siberian" means Chinese, so he lost his work visa.

Playboy.com: Do you have any rival mascots?
Rex: Well, I did. Uncle Sam and the Bald Eagle both wanted the job and there were some hard feelings when I was picked. But Sam's got that hideous outfit and the Bald Eagle just looks old, so what did they expect?

Playboy.com: We usually interview college sports mascots for this feature, so we thought we'd ask about your own college experience. What was it like?
Rex: Well, I went to Yale, where my dad went, and was a party animal, excuse the pun. As both a cheerleader and a member of a secret society, I partied pretty hard, and tried a few things including catnip, which I regret. But, I've since found the Lord and cleaned up my act.

Playboy.com: What is your signature move?
Rex: The "Shock & Awe." I shock students with statistics about our porous borders, then awe them with a back-flip.

Playboy.com: What has been your best experience as a mascot so far?
Rex: I really love hanging up "Mission Accomplished" banners at press conferences.

Playboy.com: What are your worst experiences?
Rex: Definitely doing those home-security demonstrations with duct tape. It gets stuck in my fur, and it hurts pulling it off. Also, a football team in Spokane heckled me by calling me "Brokeback Mountain Lion," because of my cowboy outfit.

Playboy.com: What keeps you from mauling children on your P.R. tours?
Rex: Well, Mr. Cheney has an itchy trigger finger.

Playboy.com: How do you get Homeland Security pumped up after the rough time the department is having?
Rex: Well, when everyone gets stressed, I remind them that we've definitely taken the fight to the terrorists in Iraq. The armed forces will probably be there for a while, so we don't have quite as much to worry about back at home. And when people in the department get really depressed, I just play tapes the NSA has been making of Michael Moore drunk-dialing Domino's Pizza. Those are always good for a laugh.

Playboy.com: Your wife Purrcilla is very attractive. Would she pose for Playboy?
Rex: I will kill you.

Playboy.com: Come to think of it, where can mountain lions even get married in the United States?
Rex: Vermont.