PB: Has the costume ever helped you get any action with the ladies?

ST: Well, Stanford has this tradition called "Full Moon in the Quad," where back in the early 1900s they decreed that you're not a real Stanford man or woman until you're kissed by a senior on the quad on the first full moon. Over the years it's devolved from this cute thing to an unnecessarily debaucherous orgy, and the Tree is there, in costume, every year. Of course, this Tree had to break its own kissing record. The previous record was 603 freshmen, and I kissed 645.

PB: Have you ever used the tree costume in other lascivious ways?

ST: I don't understand what you're talking about. Absolutely not.

PB: Right. So do you get a lot of heckling around Christmastime?

ST: I get an unnecessary amount of tree puns, and not just around Christmas. It's obnoxious.

PB: Have you heard any jokes about getting wood?

ST: A lot of the Tree PS T-shirts have wood jokes on them, but I think it's a little cheap personally. You see, I'm very refined -- a Tree of good tastes.

PB: How do you get psyched up for a game?

ST: I sit in an entirely black room, freebasing cocaine and listening to [AC/DC's] Thunderstruck on repeat.

PB: And how do you celebrate after a big win?

ST: The university recently moved the changing room for both our cheerleaders and the opposing cheerleaders to the same place. And this season, I've changed in the same locker room as them. After each game there's usually a big party in that room, and I don't leave for quite some time.

PB: What happens in there?

ST: Sorry, that's confidential between me and the cheerleaders, I'm afraid.

PB: Do you stick to the Stanford cheerleaders or do you flirt with the opposing team's squad?

ST: I'm not fickle. The Tree's got plenty of love to go around.

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