Here's the stuff you need for tomorrow that you won't regret buying on the twenty second.
Well, here we are, ladies and gentlemen. According to some crazies (and pop culture), the world is going to end tomorrow. It’s not like the Mayans actually predicted a global deterioration all those years ago; their calendar is just a circle of time that actually stopped recording dates in this calendar in the 10th century. This calendar has already gone through this situation, resetting itself in August, 3114 B.C., and we haven’t dug up any scrolls talking about Namer, the first pharaoh of Egypt, throwing a hissy fit so if he could keep it together, we think we’ll be fine. In any case, we’ve rounded up the best gadgets and apps you’ll need to survive the fabled apocalypse that you won’t hate yourself for buying on December 22nd.
All of Wiki – Offline app – $10
Hunker down and find a cuddle buddy; you’ve got a lot of reading to do! For 10 bucks you can be the proud owner of all of Wikipedia offline. Once you purchase the app, it takes about three to four hours to download the entire database, which is incredibly impressive seeing as it only takes up five gigabytes of space. It’s nice to know that you’ll be able to keep your wit sharp even when everything is going to pot around you. Plus, take comfort in knowing that if your tribe resorts to cannibalism, you’ll be the last to go because you’ll be the educator of the new world. Buy here.
Gerber Apocalypse Kit – $400
Whatever you believe, it seems that whenever there’s some sort of apocalyptic scare, there’s one thing everyone agrees upon: the more weaponry you own, the better your chances of survival will be. We don’t really know why, though; we see ourselves taking a page out of The Art of War and relying on those who confide in and follow us. We suppose chopping down a tree or throwing switchblades at tasty-looking owls would be a fun thing to try in a postapocalyptic world. Buy here.
Naimakka Paracord Bracelet – $45
Surviving never looked so good! We like the idea of keeping our attire to necessities, which is why most of the girls we keep company with barely wear anything at all. Who needs pants, anyway? The Naimakka Paracord Bracelet is made of the same material used as suspension lines in the parachutes of U.S. paratroopers during World War II and to make repairs to the Hubble Space Telescope. It has a minimum breaking strength of 550 pounds and can be used for many things, like hunting, fishing and bondage. Buy here.
Battle Mug – $190
Developed by a group of old army buddies who were sitting around being heroes, thinking of ways to creatively use a slug of M4 carry handles they had lying around (we know, epic), the Battle Mug eventually came to fruition after the guys married two of their favorite things together: booze and guns. Developed in the USA, this 13.5 pound mug is made of solid 6061 T6 billet aluminum. It has an M1913 rail interface system, which “allows the operator to mount a standard-issue M4 carry handle, tactical light, laser device, holographic sight (we call them beer goggles) or even a bayonet for close-quarters, high-risk operations.” Uh, this thing is crazy. Buy here.