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A GUY’S GUIDE TO MOMMY PORN
  • September 03, 2012 : 07:09
  • comments

I thought, after 40 years, I finally understood women. Then I started reading Fifty Shades of Grey, the first in a trilogy of S&M novels that has sold more than 10 million copies, mostly to suburban housewives. I was not shocked by the rough sex. I was not shocked by the flogging, the collars or the chains. I was surprised that the characters didn’t have intercourse until chapter eight. I have no idea how many chapters there are, since I didn’t finish the book, but the only way a porn novel should wait until chapter eight for sex is if the previous chapters are titled “Blow Job One,” “Blow Job Two,” “Blow Job Three,” “Blow Job Four,” “Blow Job Five,” “Blow Job Six” and “Blow Job Seven.”

They are not. Instead, there is no significant physical contact until chapter three, when Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele hold hands. In chapter five they kiss. I talked to Angie Rowntree, founder and chief executive of Sssh.com, who told me that the women-friendly porn she shoots for her site is heavy on plot and dialogue. Women, I was discovering, have way too much free time. If men had to wait that long to get to the good parts in our porn, none of us would have time to even make porn.

I feel bad for women. In order to get off, they have to weed through some terrible writing. We men can watch three minutes on YouJizz.com and then use the rest of the hour to read Ulysses. Do women lack imagination? Do they really need to be told that the 21-year-old virgin in Fifty Shades of Grey has an inner goddess that’s brought out by a moody billionaire who is damaged from having a crack-whore mom? I can do all that fantasy math in my head without help. I can fantasize that after a porn star has sex with me, she loses my number and never tells anyone about it. Any fantasy you believe would be fun in real life, even after your orgasm is over, is not a fantasy worth having.

Also, I didn’t realize how much women get off on the idea of powerful men becoming obsessed with them because the men realize how special they are. In our fantasies, women don’t care about us. In mommy porn we spend a lot of time finding out everything about the woman, such as the fact that Anastasia Steele likes Twinings English Breakfast tea. In our porn we care so little about the guy that we often don’t see his face. Our fantasy is that some women are nymphos who need sex from anyone and if we are in the right place at the right time, we’ll get a chance. We do not kid ourselves that we’re special. In mommy porn there are a lot of guys saying, “What I love about you is that you don’t know how beautiful you are.” In guy porn there are a lot of women saying, “I need cock.”

You would think that with all those precoital pages the female sexual ideal would be more complicated and nuanced than our two-dimensional sex dolls in three-minute videos. But no. There’s a scene in Fifty Shades of Grey in which the billionaire has sex with the virgin, after which she falls asleep. He promptly plays Bach on the piano while wearing only pajama pants. Women, it seems, want to have sex with a supergay man.

But for all that is wrong with mommy porn, there is something unbelievably right. The one thing men and women completely agree on is the one thing we thought we felt differently about: sex itself. Women may need a lot of crappy backstory, but once the sex gets going it’s the exact same kind we like. During their first sexual encounter, Grey tells the virgin, “I want to fuck your mouth.” And it works. Yes, it takes a number of long, boring chapters to get there, but then he is indeed fucking her mouth. Sure, I’d let a billionaire who gave me clothes, laptops and cars fuck my mouth too, but Steele really enjoys it. The lesson of Fifty Shades of Grey is that chicks will be into kinky sex if we make sure the only thing we ever say to them is either how hot they are or that we want to fuck their mouths.

Of course we both like the same kind of sex—if not, our species would have died out long ago. It’s a lesson we should have learned from all those women who saw 9½ Weeks and read Nancy Friday books. Now that mommy porn has taught me that the only difference in what the genders want involves storytelling technique, everything is easy. All I have to do to get women to watch porn with me is to press pause before it starts and make up stories about the actors: “Honey, the one in the fishnet body stocking has never kissed a man before, and she’s been invited to the mansion of one of southern California’s most eligible bachelors, Sir Topham Hatt, who is having a tea party for his 10 best naked male buddies, all of whom think she’s their soul mate.” Next thing you know, my computer is under the bed and I’m restraining her with neckties and nipple clamps. All it takes to get what you want is to slow down and pretend to be interested. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure women have told me that before.

read more: lifestyle, porn, issue september 2012

6 comments

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    interesting topic, horribly written article though
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    As a woman who couldn't get enough of Nancy Friday's presentation of sexual fantasies written by women and men, you're dead wrong about what women want. I won't be reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" because the first page exuded amateur. What women want? We all want sex our way, just like men do. And we really get passionate about the few men who dare to find out just what that might be.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Joel, Sir Topham Hatt would be nothing without those two goons he always travels with.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    I don't know why men think all women are into Fifty Shades. I (a girl) read the book, hated the Twilight-esque story and the Virgin. That's just me. Then again, I love reading books with erotica materials, whether sex is the main focus or part of a different plot, as long as they are well-written and innovative (which btw excludes everything Ellora's Cave has ever published. Those books, though, has sex from page one, and if bad porn was written in words, that would be Ellora's Cave novels). If I wanna get off for real, then I watch porn, you know the ones intended for men. Now what does that say?
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    There's a lot to be said for the story behind everything. The ubiquity of porn makes people lose their imagination.... and the sexual relevance of a woman's personality, or what they wear - or the way to interface sounds and other emotions, can only heighten the orgasm if you get it just right; this is true with everyone. Try and take everything you love from the world around you and bring it into your sex life. Takes longer to start, but..... lasts longer too. That would provide lasting memories.... and better memory masturbation as well as future sex :)
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