Every few decades, a man of such uncommon charm, sexual magnetism and unparalleled instances of documented human cruelty emerges and is immediately catapulted into full-blown pop cultural relevance. This time, it is the one and certainly only Admiral General Aladeen, gentleman dictator of the Republic of Wadiya himself. Fresh off the promotional trail for his worldwide box office hit The Dictator, follow Aladeen as he goes up against some of the strangest advice queries we’ve ever received and comes back with answers that are somehow even stranger.
And just because Aladeen’s at the top of his game doesn’t mean he’s stopped counting — he says the proof is in the pillage, and we can’t disagree or he’ll kill us. Join the (admittedly open) ranks by adding yourself to Aladeen’s Wall of Sexual Conquests now.
Question: I’m a mid-to-upper-level bureaucrat in a verging-on-democratic country in the eastern hemisphere (can’t get too specific, Playboy.com is in every world leader’s bookmarks toolbar). I come from a rich family and I’ve always wanted to be a dictator but never had the courage to speak up and let my dream be known. How can I make the same sort of meteoric rise to tyrannical power you did?
Answer: Sadly, the days of “gentleman dictatorships” where you just had to murder your parents are gone. I came to power through a series of really fortunate events; my mother died in childbirth (from strangulation) and my father also died of natural causes – he was allergic to bullets and grenades. Luckily, it’s not all bad news for you – the UN is currently very very pro dictator once you do become one. The lack of action they have taken over Syria deserves the highest praise. If you’re reading this, UN – great work! You have done virtually nothing to help the Syrian people, but remember, you can always do less.