Every few decades, a man of such uncommon charm, sexual magnetism and unparalleled instances of documented human cruelty emerges and is immediately catapulted into full-blown pop cultural relevance. This time, it is the one and certainly only Admiral General Aladeen, gentleman dictator of the Republic of Wadiya himself. Fresh off the promotional trail for his worldwide box office hit The Dictator, follow Aladeen as he goes up against some of the strangest advice queries we’ve ever received and comes back with answers that are somehow even stranger.
And just because Aladeen’s at the top of his game doesn’t mean he’s stopped counting — he says the proof is in the pillage, and we can’t disagree or he’ll kill us. Join the (admittedly open) ranks by adding yourself to Aladeen’s Wall of Sexual Conquests now.
Question: People always ask me what my type is, but I don’t have one. I love all sorts of women, of any age, even. But my “open-fly” policy — I coined that myself, thankyouverymuch — sometimes leads me into murky water. What’s a good policy to go by in terms of age, beauty, etc.?
Answer: Firstly, it is quite hard for me to personally give advice on which women to select, since I am rarely the one who directly does this. My Government’s third-biggest department is the Ministry for the Procurement of Women — it employs 20,000 “scouts” who travel the world looking for supermodels who are willing (they all are if you give them the right drink) to travel to Wadiya to receive $30,000, a Rolex and herpes. I do sometimes choose women myself — usually when I’m watching MTV — it is like a shopping channel to me. If I like the girl singing the song, then I call my Minister for the Procurement of Women and “order” her. This usually works out, although one time I ordered Beyonce and Macy Gray turned up. Aaaarrrgghhh!!!!