#AskPlayboy: The Coquette on Staying Friends, Stealing, and One Night Stands

By The Coquette

About to friend that one night stand? You may want to think twice.

Recently, my girlfriend and I broke up after a few months together. We said the stereotypical “let’s stay friends” thing, and, not surprisingly, that hasn’t been working out. I still see her out about once a week, but have no clue how to act or what to say. I truly want to stay friends, but I don’t know how to.

Quit trying to be friends. You aren’t friends. You are exes. Sure, you can be friendly with each other, but your relationship is still fundamentally romantic as opposed to platonic. Making an honest shift from romantic to platonic (or platonic to romantic) is incredibly difficult and very rare. It’s relationship alchemy. You can’t just snap your fingers and call yourselves friends now that you are no longer a couple.

You have to accept the fact that you are exes, and acknowledge that the dynamics of your relationship are still romantic. In other words, don’t try to “act like” friends. Instead, just be exes who are friendly.

I’ve always been fascinated by the moral complexities of taking something that isn’t yours. Some of my friends shoplift, but they only steal from large companies that are prepared for the loss. I have slipped a few things into my bag at work, but I’ve justified it by telling myself that my employers are cheap, misguided, delusional assholes and they have it coming. Because they really, truly do. These people have fucked over a lot of great people, and the dollar signs in their eyes have been blocking their view of a moral compass for decades. I need the money, but I really disagree with the way they do business and treat their employees. Even so, I feel guilty. From birth you’re taught that stealing is bad. Is it?

Yeah, asshole. Stealing is bad, and you’re not fascinated by moral complexities. You’re just a punk trying to rationalize being a petty thief. So what if your employers are cheap, misguided, delusional assholes? That just means you’re the one who takes a paycheck from cheap, misguided, delusional assholes.

It doesn’t matter if you need the money, and it doesn’t matter if the company is large. None of that justifies theft, and if you had anything approaching real integrity, it would occur to you to find another job before it would occur to you to steal.

The only good news here is that you feel guilty. That means you still have some semblance of a conscience. Listen to it. Have some integrity, and stop stealing shit.

Come on, dude. This is really basic stuff.

Is it weird to friend request someone with which you had a one night stand?

It’s not weird, but it’s not a good idea. Be honest. Do you have any intention of ever seeing that person again? If not, don’t friend request them (or accept their friend request.)

Trust me on this. If you start Facebook friending every random hook-up, by the time you’re in your late twenties, your friends list will be a depressing graveyard of strangers you once saw naked.


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