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 #ASKPLAYBOY: THE COQUETTE ON GOAL-ORIENTED DATING
  • September 24, 2012 : 13:09
  • comments

I'm in my last year at a good university, enjoying life and getting excited about heading out into the professional world. My biggest insecurity is that I've never had a relationship that's lasted longer than a month. In high school, I was a late bloomer in the dating scene and never even hooked up with someone until the summer before Senior year. Most of my "relationships" (if you want to call them that) have been with girls whose company I enjoy but the chemistry just never seems right. I just can't seem to find the right girl that I'm both attracted to and has a personality that matches mine. I'm an attractive, social guy, and I don't put out the desperate vibe - I feel like it's just circumstance that I haven't found anyone. But it's gotten to the point that it really bothers me. I feel like college is a time when I am surrounded by people my own age and of similar intelligence - if I graduate without having had a single meaningful relationship, I'm going to be pretty unhappy. Am I being overly analytical? Should I be less picky?

You don't need to be less picky. You need to be in less of a hurry. Your problem isn't that you're being overly analytical. It's that you've got a ridiculous master plan for your life that includes charts and graphs and a timetable.

I know your type. There's a voice in the back of your head constantly reminding you that you're supposed to be married with 2.5 kids and a golden retriever by the time you're in your mid-thirties. This voice says you're supposed to date around for a few years before you find the perfect girl and settle down. It says you're supposed to be in a stable, long-term relationship for a couple years before you get married, and it says you're supposed to be married for a little while before you start having kids.

This voice in the back of your head (which sounds suspiciously like your mother) has already done the math, and quite frankly, it's a little disappointed that you didn't find your future wife during college. Well, guess what, skipper? You need to tell that voice to shut the fuck up, or you're gonna end up leading a miserable life.

You're wrong about what will make you unhappy. It isn't the fact that you might graduate without having had a single meaningful relationship. It's that you're blind to the fact that regardless how long they've lasted, all of your relationships have been meaningful.

Every random hookup, every super cool chick you weren't really attracted to, every potential girlfriend that fizzled after the third date — all of them count as meaningful relationships, especially during your college years.

Your single biggest mistake is that you think you have to find the right girl and spend a predetermined amount of time in a relationship before it counts as meaningful. (I'm guessing with you, it's probably three months.)

Do yourself a huge favor and throw the timetable and your "right girl" checklist out the window. Stop being so damned goal-oriented with your dating. Come on, man. You're in your early twenties. Smell some fucking roses already.

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Follow The Coquette on Twitter @coketweet

read more: Sex and Dating, ask coquette, ask playboy, dating advice

16 comments

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Great advice this guy aounds just like me.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    This article came just at the right time. Completely diffrent approach when it comes to realationships. Just enjoy it, Nice one
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    she wasnt harsh enough.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Want to stop treating your life like a scoreboard? Stop watching sports. They lure you into this idea that everything is us vs them, only one winner, etc. I'm sure you think I'm some crazy nutcase...but I know subversion when I see it.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    "Want to stop treating your life like a scoreboard? Stop watching sports. They lure you into this idea that everything is us vs them, only one winner, etc. I'm sure you think I'm some crazy nutcase...but I know subversion when I see it." love this! so true!
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    "stop treating your life like it has a scoreboard." -Coquette. Not sure if it's more of us men susceptible to that type of thinking or if I'm just looking for answers. Why is my self-worth attached to my set of accomplishments? Fuck that. Thanks Ms. Coquette.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Healthy advice. Thanks for helping me sort myself out.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    "Fucking Awesome Response COQUETTE " I'm Sold on your column. You are a realist.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Try reading the book, "If the Buddha dated." It's a great reminder to date without an agenda. You're just meeting someone and getting to know them. If you don't have an idea of what the outcome should be, you're more likely to learn more about the other person - and yourself - in the process, which makes each relationship, however long or short, well worth it. Good luck
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Your advice to someone who's having trouble finding someone to settle down with is "stop trying to find someone to settle down with"? I like the Coquette for her sass and her humour, but she's here for a reason. She could give two shits about offering useful advice. All style, no substance.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    fucking love the coquette
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    i like having a ridiculous master plan though.
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