I'm a 21 year old guy with one more semester of college left. If there was a textbook of "nice slightly geeky guy," it'd have my picture there. I'm not fat, I'm not pimply, but I'm not cut or super-hot either… just a slightly above-average looking guy who knows how to treat a girl.
All of that introduces my question: why is it that I always get thrown into the friend zone? To clarify, I get put into the "gay best friend" zone. I'm straight as the day is long, but I'm the one who gets to hear about new shoes, shopping, cute boys, shitty boys, assholes who stood them up... you get the drift.
Is it because I listen too much? Am I too nice? Should I not offer a shoulder to cry on, tell her the shoes are cute (when they are), or that the dude she's dating is a douche who's probably fucking someone else too?
Can you help me? I'm asking because there's a gorgeous, intelligent girl I'd usually say is out of my league that has expressed lots of interest, and I don't want her to turn me into another "gay best friend" style friend, where I get to hear about her day, her shoes, and her boy problems.
Ugh. Nothing rolls my eyes into the back of my head faster than a "nice guy" who whines about being in the friend zone, and quite frankly, if it weren't my job to try and smack some sense into you, I'd tell you to go fuck yourself for the ignorant "gay best friend" remarks. (Not cool, dude.)
Let's be clear, you are not a nice guy. You are actually a magnificent douchebag with a raging case of Nice Guy Syndrome. (Yep, it's a thing. Look it up.)
While we're at it, let's be clear about something else. You don't know how to treat a girl. You say you do, but you don't have the slightest fucking clue. If you really knew how to treat a girl, you wouldn't bitch about listening too much, and you wouldn't act like a shoulder to cry on is only something to offer if it's in furtherance of getting you laid.
That kind of thinking is glaring evidence of the underlying issue with guys like you. You don't actually respect women. You pretend like you do, and you may even believe that you do, but it's not real.
It's outrageous and downright insulting that you think a girl has the ability to turn you into a "gay best friend." You're doing that to yourself, because you aren't really being a friend in the first place. You're just acting like one with the ridiculous expectation that platonic behavior on your part might somehow transmogrify into romantic behavior on her part.
Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. Platonic relationships are different than romantic ones. They begin differently, they progress differently, and they sure as hell end differently. You better cozy up to that fact pretty quick, because you simply cannot continue to behave like this with the new relationship. If you want a romantic relationship, you have to be emotionally honest from the get go.
You have to put yourself out there, and if she rejects you as a potential romantic partner, you have to move on without thinking platonic behavior will eventually entitle you to something romantic.
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Gaming
WTTGTG: Mortal Kombat Komplete Edition
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Sex and Dating
#ASKPLAYBOY: THE COQUETTE ON GOAL-ORIENTED DATING
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entertainment
Resident Evil: Retribution
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Sex and Dating
Ask Aladeen: Career
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Sex and Dating
The Playboy Advisor: Sex Toys and Size
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Sex and Dating
Playmate Advice with Shera Bechard
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Anonymous wrote Dude! You have to be cocky and funny! Sometimes being nice is not good for you. You have to give space and demand some space. Even if you feel like being with your very important person. If you just want to get laid, loosen up and don't care about if she likes you or not... what will happen will happen anyways! Your self-esteem is in very-low level. Make some changes in your lifestyle and get rid of that BS behavior! My name is Charlie and I approve this message! LOL
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Anonymous wrote Exactly. There's nothing wrong with just being friends with women. But if you don't genuinely enjoy her company & genuinely wish to be there for her when she needs you because you care about how she feels, you shouldn't be acting as if you do in the vain hope that it will somehow get you laid. Women don't sleep with any guy who is nice to them, they sleep with guys they are sexually attracted to. If you are interested in a woman sexually, you'll have to let her know that & see if she feels the same way. Having lots of female friends whom you genuinlely like will help you meet more women & you'll have a better shot of meeting a woman who feels the same way you do for her. But if you don't genuinely like her personality, you won't have real love or even a decent fuckbuddy- so find a woman you actually enjoy being nice to, & actually be a nice guy to her, & you'll be much happier & less of a douche.
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Anonymous wrote Coquette is right. What this guy doesn't understand is that he's not actually friends with these girls. If you don't enjoy the conversations you're having or the time you're spending with someone, then YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS. He just hangs around with people, pretends to care when they talk, and gets upset that they don't make a move on him or ask him out? He needs to recognize that what he's doing will not get him laid or a relationship. If he just wants to hook up with a chick, then he should make his intentions clear and hit on her. If she rejects him, he needs to get the fuck over himself and move on. If he wants an awesome relationship, he should hang out with men and women whose company he genuinely enjoys, and see if romantic attraction organically arises with any of them. if he's not actually gay it won't happen with the men, but eh, you never know.
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Anonymous wrote This seems to be a trend of people hating anyone saying they dont anyone using the 'friend zone'. I dont see any mention of the guy saying all he wanted was to get laid. I dont see any 'whining' in his question. I see a rude, and frankly sexist, response from an writer who seems desperate to frame any man who is looking for a relationship and unhappy that the girl he is interested in only wants a friendship, as some sort of monster. No ones denying these men exist but in every article ive read like this, the guy seems genuine and gets disgustingly attacked over semantics and hysterical accusations that dont even feature in his question. Thank you Coquette for perpetuating this idiocy.
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JOSEPH wrote If you want her you have to be clear from the start and you have to show her that you aren't boring. So you start as friends, I can't think of a better way to show this girl how fun and interesting you are. Now if your talking about being one of those guys that girls will just bend over backwards to be with even if they the guy is an obvious douche bag then all I can say is be very very very good looking or have a lot of money.
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Anonymous wrote The response sucked...but the comments were golden
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Anonymous wrote So far, the best thing on Playboy is this column. Can't wait for more. Also, I did not realize people actually use the term alpha and beta. Please stop.
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Anonymous wrote hahahahahahaha, well she's right that nice guys really don't complain about their situation, because they are actually nice.
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Anonymous wrote Take it easy! I thought you will give the dude an advice not crap all over him! Uncool bitch!
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Anonymous wrote Crap, I might be a magnificent douchbag
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Anonymous wrote Absolutely brilliant ... We'll said ... This women knows what its all about .. Might even consider a subscription .. If this is the world class insight I can expect ... And if the response hurts well unlucky u doing it wrong ...
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Anonymous wrote Haha yeah, so to all the Anons who are going off about how women "say" they want a "nice guy" or "just want to be friends first," in order to judge between the beta and alpha males, I'd like to first address how fucking dumb those two terms are in this context. It has nothing to do with whether or not you manage to assert dominance over a woman, or whether you kowtow to her needs. The type of men women want varies depending on the woman. The problem with NGS is that you've somehow mistaken the line of "I want to be friends first" with, "I want you to nod in agreement with me like a dumbass whenever words come out of my mouth so that you can pretend that it is obvious you have the hots for me." When someone says, "Let's be friends first," that means, let's fucking get to know each other before you decide that you're head over heels for me. That doesn't mean you surrender your romantic inclinations. It just means you can't come out of the fucking shadows with an invitation out to a date because you've been fantasizing about this chick in the corner of the room. It's not like girls want a complete douchebag in their life, this happens mostly because they are, in fact, just girls, and can't understand subtle flirting, much like yourself. So they go for the guys who radiate sexual and romantic interest in them, whether or not this is exclusive to their being. This isn't just jock-type guys; there are guys that can be low-key and attractive as well, or grovelling but in a hopelessly romantic sort of way. This is all appealing, however poorly presented, because it's apparent that they are interested beyond friendship. Whereas you sit there on the bench as the non-sexual acquaintance.
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Anonymous wrote I've played this "bullshit nice guy" role. Yes, some women suss out the bullshit, but many more never do. In particular, "man up" isn't good advice because he doesn't know what that even means emotionally, well that's why he's behaving this way. I've largely escaped this "nice guy" trap myself, but doing so required (a) enormous effort and (b) relationships. Yes, there is a catch-22 here that Coquette missed, escaping the nice guy trap requires experiencing real relationships. What real sin has our 21 year old "nice guy" committed? Easy, he's going for women who are "out of his league" emotionally, albeit maybe not physically. I therefore recommend he start relationships with women that aren't quite so emotionally developed.. or date women who are emotionally developed but notably less attractive, maybe some fatty. You'll learn more if you start these training relationships with the attitude that you're there to grow emotionally, but any relationship will teach you something.
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Anonymous wrote Dude's a gay man and is still deeply in the closet ... "cute shoes, gay friend syndrome, as the day is long". I've never had a problem being a friend to women, as the ones you're friends with introduce you to ones more suitable to who you are.
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Anonymous wrote Why are all the comments anonymous? They seem fake.
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Anonymous wrote This is thee best! My goodness I know so many guys that act this way and feel that they are entitled from birth, like its some God-given rite of theirs to pretend to "be nice" and thenceforth proceed to get laid! I mean really guys! Man the fuck up!
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Anonymous wrote Fucking love Coquette. She said from the get go that she is one fierce queen and will not hesitate to give out harsh and much needed honesty; I hope this guy takes it.
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Anonymous wrote PREACH. LOVE THIS GIRL'S RESPONSE.
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Anonymous wrote I don't feel the young man who wrote in necessarily felt entitled to sexual satisfaction. He simply is very likely a 21-year-old who (yes, Game devotees) lacks confidence and social adroit. Was he was wrong to employ the term "gay best friend?" Yes, because that's asinine. Nobody is going to make you gay. Or read Playboy. I'm a devoted Coquette fan, and just like all of us, we make flawed arguments. In the end, I think she's right, but I feel the meat of her attack was to simply hammer him for simply using that term in frustration.
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Anonymous wrote All you fuckers complaining about Coquette's response fail to realize that she's a different brand of advice columnist. She's not your mother and she sure as hell isn't here to hold anyone's hand or to sugarcoat the bullshit sent her way. Coquette is queen.
