Hey Bucky Larson fans, super fans and soon to be fans. I wasn't always a world famous porn star. Not long ago I was sitting where you are asking the same questions you're asking. It took a lot of effort to get to where I am and it wouldn't be fair if I just hoarded all the knowledge I've picked up along the way. Whether you’re going on a blind date or taking out the hot girl from the ice cream shop, I’ve got a whole bunch of great advice and life lessons that will help you impress your lady.
How To Dress for a Date
You don’t have to be a porn star to look as good as me. Just follow these tips:
- Wear denim. A good pair of Wrangler jeans will work for any occasion, whether it's dress-down casual or a classy place like Red Lobster. I like Wrangler jeans because they’re loose fitting and they’re what real men wear. You don’t need be milking a cow to look sharp in them, although I used to do that on the farm, and it doesn’t really matter if your package is big or small because you can’t tell in loose jeans. I’ve got a package of three bananas and a two-pound bag of licorice in there right now, but you can’t tell. Thanks, Wrangler.
- Sweater vests = fun. I could wear a sweater vest all day, every day. In fact, I do. I had a cool red one back when I was bagging groceries in Iowa. When I’m on a porn set, ready to get down to business, I prefer nice woolen vests, because I’m mostly naked and it can get breezy in the studio. Make sure it’s not too snug to where you have man boobs. You want to wear something that complements your figure and that will be easy to take off if she wants to see your undershirt. Underneath, you can do a lot of things. I almost always go with a plaid shirt because the more colors and patterns, the more to look at.
- Make sure you’re properly groomed. My mom’s been getting me bowl haircuts since I was a little kid, and to me it’s the perfect combination of youth and sophistication. It appeals to young and old ladies. Sometimes I look like Brad Pitt or a young Macaulay Culkin. All of it shows that I’ve got a serious side to me. Once mom has trimmed my bangs, I have her draw a bubble bath to soak and suds all the parts I might be putting to use if the date goes well. And guys, make sure you brush your teeth at least twice before the date. Just because you’re going to take her out to dinner doesn’t mean you can skip the flouride. What if she wants some mouth action on the way to dinner? Girls love to talk and even if you aren't packing sexy buck teeth, you want her to see that smile of yours. I’ve been told a woman can tell how good you are in bed based on your smile. So smile big.
Getting Lucky 101
As that song says, some guys have all the luck. For a guy like me, it’s all about skill. I can’t rely on luck to get lucky. Here’s my strategic advice for possible genital-to-genital contact.
- Ask if it’s okay. Now, I’m an old-fashioned type of guy. I consider myself a gentleman and lady pleaser. So if you’re anything like me, and god knows we’re a dying breed, then if you really want to get lucky you shouldn’t take any chances. That’s why I’d suggest asking her father for permission. It’s kind of like asking if it’s okay to take her on a date, or to have her hand in marriage, only with this you’re being more specific. You’re letting him know your true intentions. I’m not saying you should divulge your entire playbook, but I think honesty will be the best policy. And he might respect you for it. Let him know you’ve got nothing to hide.
- Show her you care. I know, I know. Some people will say, ‘Bucky, you’ve got it all wrong! You’ve got to show her you don’t care!’ But I disagree on that one. The more she knows you care about her, the more she’ll feel a connection with you. Act interested. Keep calling her back until she answers the phone. Call up all her friends to gauge her interests. Playing hard to get has never gotten me lucky.
- Get her wet. Push her in a pool. Soak her with a water gun. Spill the pitcher of water at dinner. Don’t share your umbrella in the rain. If she’s wet that means she’ll have to change clothes, which means she’ll have to get naked. I always say, ‘You can’t have sex with your clothes on!’ The only exception is when I wear a sweater vest, of course.
Bedroom EtiquetteOnce you’ve gotten the lady into your domain, you’re only a few moves away from her honey pot. Don’t mess it up! She wouldn’t be there if she didn’t want to get to know you on an intimate level. Seize the moment. Remember to follow these three easy-to-forget steps that will better help you to release your inner Bucky.
- Go to the bathroom before you get started. There’s nothing worse than breaking up the steaminess with a bathroom break. Let it all out beforehand. My dad told me about this one encounter with my mom when he went to bed and tried to get away with letting out just the smallest piglet of a fart, but ended up letting out a real silent swine of a fart. Next thing you know, I'm an only child ready to break into superstardom in Hollywood.
- Make sure you’re cleaned up. When a woman gets her hands on you, it should be a sensual, enjoyable experience. That’s why you need to make sure your downstairs afro is nicely styled. You don’t want it too long and you definitely don’t want it too short. I prefer two to three inches of fur. There’s nothing worse for a woman that getting tangled up in your body mane. Plus, if you get it the right length, you can play hide-and-seek with your mini Bucky. It’s like an optical illusion or something.
- Extend the foreplay. It took me a while to understand how women get worked up sexually. And it took me even longer to build up the stamina to withstand a hot and heavy foreplay session. But foreplay is to sex as butter is to corn on the cob: essential. I’ve learned that you just can’t wing it. It requires a plan and some focus to execute the best foreplay. The key is moaning. If you don’t hear her squealing with pleasure or moaning with authority, it’s more than okay to make the sounds yourself. It’s expected. Don’t take her “dead fish” approach to heart. Let her know that it feels really good for you to pleasure her. But try to sound genuine. Women know when you’re faking it.
If you need more advice, I suggest you see my new film Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star in theaters September 9th.