Hysteria frigus, or frozen out
Christine had a difficult time jumping into sex with her husband, Charlie. He complained that she was resistant to sex much of the time. “I can’t become intimate right away,” she said. “I need warming up.” To Christine this meant expressing her feelings, but because they had sex so rarely, Charlie didn’t feel connected enough to open up.
As I explained to Charlie, there is more than one way to penetrate a woman. A man’s cock is one. His hands, mouth, words, wit—all register high as instruments of pleasure. Well-fucked women are stimulated from every angle: physical, emotional and mental. Emotional intercourse and “mind fucking” keep things simmering between the physical acts.
I recommended that Charlie and Christine set aside 30 minutes four to five times a week to reconnect on an emotional level. “Remember,” I said, “this isn’t the time for small talk. Don’t debrief the effluvia of your day.” I advised them to go deeper and really penetrate each other.
They bought a hot tub and put it in their backyard. Several evenings a week they convened under the stars. One morning, when I asked how they were doing, Christine exclaimed, “I feel like I’ve been fucked five times!”
And they hadn’t even kissed. That came later, and when it came, so did they.
“There’s something about being in the darkness and not even being able to see the other person that allows us to say anything to each other,” said Christine. Charlie nodded. “Our hot tub saved our relationship,” he said.
Ecstasis frustratus, or “I’m busy”
Allison claimed not to enjoy sex anymore. “I used to,” she said. “In other relationships, ‘normal’ would be having sex three or four times a week. I hate to admit it, but lately I avoid sex with Jeremy.” When Jeremy wanted it, Allison was always “too busy”—staying late at work, doing laundry, getting a root canal.
As Allison and I began coaching sessions, she revealed that Jeremy had little stamina in bed. Before she was even close to orgasm, Jeremy was finished. A woman whose man repeatedly bails on her in bed experiences the sexual equivalent of a hit-and-run. She feels abandoned, and she is unable to open to him.
There’s an old Taoist expression: Sexually speaking, men are like fire—quick to ignite and quick to extinguish. Women are like water—slow to boil but keep on boiling. The trick is for both sexes to meet in between. Men must master prolonging their arousal, and women have to learn to remain in the simmer zone.
I worked with Jeremy to build his stamina—something that’s easy but takes focus. The solution? Just breathe. Most men hold their breath and tighten their body as they approach orgasm. Instead, they should try rhythmic, steady breathing throughout arousal. I told Jeremy to let himself build to orgasm without holding back. When he reached a seven out of 10—getting close but not in danger of going over the edge—I recommended that he pause and make sure he was breathing, unclenching every part of his body. Then I told him to subside to a five and repeat for several rounds before allowing himself to ejaculate.
Within a short while Jeremy was able to choose when to climax. Allison didn’t need any more root canals.
Hysteria affectus, or emotional roller coaster
Remember Nicola from the beginning of our story, the most underfucked woman in the world? Nicola had a case of classical hysteria: all the symptoms rolled into one unruly package. In addition to prescribing the sexual medicine indicated for the other pathologies (a steady diet of orgasm, whether she was alone or not), I set Nicola up with a new and exciting exercise program: vaginal weight lifting.
Many women have dissociated from their sexual energy. As a result, they’ve dissociated from their vaginas. The ancient (yet very modern; there is a world record for the sport) art of strengthening the pelvic floor—using a system of light weights attached to what is essentially a dildo—boosts sexual confidence, increases orgasmic potential and reconnects a woman with her genitals. Plus, her newfound power endows her with the unique ability to make her lover ejaculate or not with the power of her vagina alone. It puts Kegels to shame.
After a few months of lifting household furniture with her vagina (an exaggeration but only a slight one), combined with sex dates and more open communication, Nicola was on her way to being a well-fucked woman. And it showed.