Closing the Deal the Old Fashioned Way

By Lisa Lampanelli

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Lisa Lampanelli's guide to the postdate touchdown.


I know that you, my loyal Playboy readers, think of me as an old married beyotch, but that wasn’t always my status. When I was a young single beyotch, my dating life was more active than Ann Coulter’s thyroid. While I don’t miss them in the least, I remember those times well. I especially enjoyed that point in a relationship when I was ready to go all the way, prepared to throw down the old dirty-dirty for the first time as a couple. For me, this was sometimes the third or fourth date in. Other times, it was the third or fourth drink in. And if the lucky guy supersized my meal, well, let’s just say he could definitely count on boarding the train to Poontown by the time the check arrived.

Guys, it’s pretty simple. If she’s into you, it’s like you’re the U.S. Olympic basketball team and she’s the Nigerian team: It’s not going to be hard to shoot and score. Even if the path to a woman’s vagina is as confusing as her Facebook time line, when she’s willing and able to do the deed, only you can cock-block yourself. So here are some helpful tips to guide you on your journey to the place between her thighs.

Let’s start with the basics. Preparation for a night of new nookie should begin with the big H, and by that I mean hygiene. Before going to meet up with your sweetie, take a nice hot shower, scrub, soak, floss, shave, pluck, exfoliate, sandblast—whatever you need to do. You don’t have to be the best-looking guy or the smartest or the wealthiest. But if you smell vaguely like an onion stuffed with Limburger cheese spritzed with Axe body spray, you’ll be touching yourself more than a third-base coach with chicken pox.

They say clothes make the man. Clothes can also make that man make a woman. So if you’re dating a normal girl, there are a few fashion choices to avoid. These include Crocs, dreadlocks, ascots, argyle socks, suspenders, jackets with epaulets, capes, thongs, spats, knickers, Hello Kitty fanny packs, monocles, stovepipe hats and hand-knitted mittens. And while you’re at it, leave your Darth Vader helmet at home.

So now you’re ready to get your girl and begin your special night. To help you in your Indiana Jones–like trek to the ark of your lady friend’s covenant, follow the three rules of real estate: location, location, location. A seven-course meal is going to stuff her (and not in the good way), an amusement park will exhaust her too much to take a ride on your Tilt-a-Whirl, and if the movie you watch together is sad, forget about it. Your crying at the end of The Notebook is not an aphrodisiac—that sappy ending will cost you a happy ending.

Wherever you end up taking her, keep the boozing to a minimum. You need to avoid the most dreaded social disease of all: whiskey dick. Nothing ruins a first time like your going from Peter North to Peter South in 30 seconds flat.

Okay, now you look good, you smell good, you’ve treated her to a magical night on the town. But wait! Where do you plan on bringing her to consummate this union? Your place? If the answer is yes, you’d better do some cleaning in that hellhole of yours—and by “cleaning” I don’t mean spraying Febreze and making sure the toilet’s flushed. You’ve got to make that place look more like a scene from inside The Bachelor’s house and less like a crime scene from Law & Order: SVU. I don’t care how cute and charming you are, she’s not going to stay in your bed if she feels a half-eaten pizza crust wedged between her butt cheeks. On the other hand, don’t clean up so much that it looks premeditated. If she walks into a dimly lit bedroom with mood music already playing and a bottle of champagne chilling, she’s going to feel as if she walked onto the set of Extreme Makeover: Desperate-to-Get-Laid Edition.

Once she’s in and she’s comfortable, the next step is to grab her and throw her onto the bed, right? Wrong. Slow down, Mike Tyson! Patience is a virtue. No woman, no matter how horny, wants a guy to attack her like Kobe Bryant in a Cialis factory. It’s your first time together. Make it last. Chances are you’re both nervous, and even the slightest bit of aggression could have her blowing her rape whistle like an over-bribed NBA referee.

While you’re at it, keep the chatter, especially dirty talk, to a minimum. Even worse than saying something overly sexual is saying something downright stupid. Some women may actually forgive you for channeling your inner Ron Jeremy, but saying idiotic things like “Nice rack! Who’s your surgeon?” or “What’s the matter, don’t you own a razor?” or “Hey, I’m a Republican” doesn’t work for anybody.

As for me, when I was dating, it all came down to one word: romance. Candlelit dinners, flowers, soft music. Does that make me cheesy? Sure it does. Remember, guys: Women are like pizza—cheese works well on both of them. Make a woman feel that being alone with her is more important to you than beating your buddy in Call of Duty, and your call of duty will be to her bedroom—every night.

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