Most men want some sexual variety. It’s in our biology. A common dilemma for guys is whether to be in an exclusive relationship with the woman they’re dating or stick to one-night stands and friends with benefits. Most men think that having a great relationship and dating multiple women is impossible. At least, not without sneaking around.
But these guys are wrong. You can have your cake and eat it too, as long as you know what you’re doing. As an instructor with Love Systems and someone who has had multiple relationships in the past, I have five rules to live by.
You don’t read The Pickup for morality but I’ll just say that any solution that makes you lie to your significant other isn’t much of a solution at all. Ethics aside, it’s just dumb. Over the long term, few men will be as good at keeping their story straight as their partners will be at knowing something is up. Remember the Mark Twain quote: “Telling the truth means never having to remember what you said.”
Lying is also unnecessary and counterproductive. Most women respect a man who goes for what he wants, even if what he wants isn’t what she’s expecting to hear. And if she catches you sneaking around, you won’t have a leg to stand on when you do talk to her.
I don’t want to imply that being in a multiple relationship situation involves convincing a woman to do something she doesn’t want to do. Just like getting your girlfriend to try a threesome, some women will be all about it, some women will never consider it and a bunch will be in between.
The type of woman who is more likely to be interested in an open relationship is usually someone who is younger or older than prime “must settle down and have children” years, open-minded, comfortable with herself sexually and not insecure. Usually, it will be a woman who enjoys a bit of variety, herself. (If you can’t handle the idea of your girlfriend getting action on the side, this might be a can of worms that you don’t want to open right now.)
For a woman who is neither all about open relationships nor completely opposed to them, her feelings will come down to two things: you, and the quality of your relationship.
Let’s start with you first. If you’re the kind of guy who likes to be at home, generally hangs out with the same people and has a pretty solid routine, then being in an open relationship might not really “fit” for her. This type of relationship might be more compatible for the kind of guy who is very social, always surrounded by people, travels a lot and is always at different social events.
I’m not saying that women will generally prefer the latter type over the former. That will depend on the woman involved and her preferences. But I am saying that a woman on the fence about open relationships is more likely to give it a try with a rock star type than with an accountant.
In terms of the relationship itself, this is where a lot of guys mess up. Dating multiple women does not mean sharing the same amount of attention over more people. If anything, you need to be even more attentive and connected and committed to your partner than otherwise. If you’re off in your head because of a problem at work or something going on with one of your friends, most women will be understanding. If you miss something because you were on a date with another girl, you’re asking for trouble.
Since the default expectation in relationships is monogamy, you can’t just “let things happen.” If you want an open relationship, you need to take active steps to make that happen.
Don’t make her take it all in at once. Put open relationships in her mind early and have “the talk” later. The way to do this is also pretty similar to suggesting a threesome—start by telling a story that is interesting enough that you’d tell it anyway, but contains the knowledge that you’ve been in open relationships before. (e.g., tell a story about something funny that happened on a date, with a quick tangent that you were in an open relationship at the time). She might want to talk about open relationships and how you feel about them and what you want (which is fine, if so), or she might want to think about it herself for a while. Either way, it’s a non-awkward way of introducing the topic early (and will often also tell you if she is completely opposed to the idea).
This way, later, when it comes time to have “the talk” about whether you are in a relationship or not, the idea of open relationships won’t come completely out of the blue and it won’t be as threatening of a notion to her.
I’ve seen this over and over with Love Systems clients. They get really good with women, start dating women “out of their league,” women chase after them and are open to them dating other women, and then—boom—the guy ruins it all by showing off. He leaves other girls’ stuff around his house, he talks about other women, he becomes less attentive to his girlfriend, he lets her friends see him out with other women, etc., etc., etc. Don’t be that guy. It’s douchey and it will never get you what you want.
This is the quick guide. To listen to a couple of top Love Systems instructors talk about dating multiple women for an hour or so, click here.
And good luck!