Sitting on the floor of the dirty LAX parking garage, locked out of my car, it had hit me that my trip to Las Vegas had probably cost me two tickets to my first ESPY Awards.
I was in Vegas for a fun night out the Tuesday before the ESPYs. I’ve done the LA to Vegas trip a hundred times, usually without a hitch. While in Vegas, I found out I had two killer tickets to the ESPYs the next day, thanks to the fine folks at ESPN. To me, going to the ESPYs was the equivalent of winning the Golden Ticket. For some it might be the Oscars or the Super Bowl, but for me it was the ESPYs.
But I knew I’d be pressed to make it there on time. I had to fly back to LA, pick up my hot dress and even hotter Playmate date and get to the Nokia Theater before the doors closed.
So I arrive at the LAX parking garage and discovered that somewhere along the way back from Vegas, I had lost my car key. I dug through all my bag, my pockets, they were gone. It was almost three o’clock. The ESPYs start at 5:30. After sitting on the floor of the LAX garage nearly crying, trying to figure out the best plan, I hopped in a cab hoping I could get home in time to grab my dress, my date and make the show. Instead I got stuck on the 405 in traffic that was not moving. By the time I got home, it was far too late to make the show. For me, Carmaggedon hit a few days early.
But since my column was going to be about my first ESPY Awards experience, I figured I should put my own spin on ESPN's annual awards party.
Two of my favorite categories were “Best Championship Performance” and “Best Sports Movie.”
Let’s first take a look at the former.
The nominees were:
Tim Thomas, Stanley Cup Finals
Tim Lincecum, 2010 MLB Postseason
Kemba Walker, Big East Tournament and NCAA Tournament
Serena Williams, 2010 Wimbledon
The ESPY winner was Tim Thomas. My winner was also Tim Thomas. It was hard to disagree with the ESPY folks on this one. Thomas was the playoffs MVP and he carried his team, rose to the occasion and only let up eight goals through seven Finals’ games, which included four games inside one of the toughest arenas to play in.
Moving on now. Not only do I love sports but I’m a big movie buff, too, and, for me, this was actually a very disappointing year for sports comedies, because there weren’t any classics like Talladega Nights or Semi-Pro. So “Best Sports Movie” was a tough category. But if I was forced to choose from these movies The Fighter, Secretariat, Soul Surfer and Win Win—and they were all great movies—I would also go with The Fighter if only because of the white trash scene on the front porch when Amy Adams single-handedly beat every one of Mark Wahlberg’s sisters’ asses. That’s me. I’m a feisty redhead and, mind you, from the South so I’m a little bit “whiskey tango” deep down. I thought that was the best scene in The Fighter because I could see myself doing that.
If I could add one category to the ESPYs, it would be “Best Dressed.” The nominees would be: Serena Williams’ cleavage—not her outfit, her cleavage; Evan Longoria for his suit, which had a touch of Anchorman to it; and Brian Wilson for his spandex tuxedo onesy.
Wilson is the runaway winner, but God his beard is frightening. A random thought: Could you imagine Brian Wilson sharing the red carpet with Dennis Rodman, circa 1998?
Now, one category I would include in my personal awards show would honor the hottest athlete trophy wife. There’s a lot of them, so this was a tough field to narrow down. As it stands today, the nominees would be: Adriana Lima, who is married to NBA player Marko Jaric; Brooklyn Decker, who is with tennis pro Andy Roddick; the classic Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady; and Ashley Judd and race car driver Dario Franchitti.
Adriana would win because she’s a complete smoke show. I honestly would marry her if it was an option.
Home Run Derby Returns
After a one week break, my Home Run Derby challenge is back, and this time I have my biggest challenger to date: ESPN's Senior Fantasy Analyst Matthew Berry. It's his job to know who's hot and who's not in the world of fantasy sports. His picks: Paul Konerko, Lance Berkman and Mark Teixeira. I'm going with Albert Pujols, Curtis Granderson and Ryan Howard. And the stakes for this week's challenge are the highest they've ever been, as the loser has to take the winner to a sporting event of his/her choice. You can follow me on Twitter at @jaimeedmondson and Matthew at @MatthewBerryTMR.