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Fear and Justice in the Kingdom of Sex
  • October 09, 2011 : 20:10
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This article was originally published in the January 2004 issue of Playboy magazine.

MEMORANDUM
FR: DR. HUNTER S. THOMPSON
TO: HUGH M. HEFNER
RE: ANNIVERSARY
JANUARY 2004

Dear Hef,
Well, well, well. Fifty years on the road, eh? Hot damn! Fifty years in the fast lane is a truly incredible trick to pull off in these weird fascist times. I salute you.

The mere existence of Playboy in 1953 was a Message, and the message said, Yes, it can be done. We can publish pictures of naked women (and even the Girl Next Door), and we can write strange and even perverse stories about real sex adventures with real naked girls.… Jesus, it was a monumental breakthrough to Freedom. Playboy was a signal that we were on the right track, we were smart, and we would prevail. Yes. We could publish any goddamn thing we wanted to, and we would beat those vicious, half-bright bastards who wanted to and still want to stomp out our Art and our energy and our precious bodily fluids.

Right. They hated us from the start, and they hate us now.

Growing up in the 1950s was a hard dollar, and it was especially hard for people like you and me. But so what? I was committed to my Art. And I felt equally committed to my exploration of beautiful naked women, and I pursued that with equal vigor.

Like you, I wanted not only to mingle frequently with beautiful naked women. I wanted to get paid for it, too, and that was a very hard dollar. Which it still is, frankly—just not quite so hard as it used to be. And credit for that goes to you. You were a pioneer for all of us, a genuine American hero.

There was a time back there in the primitive 1950s when the Harlem Globetrotters were the hottest ticket in basketball. They were heroes too, for many people. Not even the perennial college champion University of Kentucky Wildcats could sell out a house faster than the Harlem Globetrotters.

The Globetrotters were an all-black team of hired clowns who could play what looked like world-beating basketball. They were in a league all their own, so absolutely unbeatable that they had no real competition. It would have been sad, if it weren't so ridiculous.

There was no doubt in my mind that they could easily beat Kentucky, then the number one team in college basketball. But it would never happen, of course, because black people didn't even go to U of K in those days, much less play on the basketball team. The Wildcats wouldn't even think about playing on the same floor with black people, so the question was never answered.

I was brooding on this last night, as I frequently do when I get baffled and frustrated by unanswerable and freakish political questions like Why is the U.S. Supreme Court like it is? Or Did George Washington really throw a genuine U.S. silver dollar across the Rappahannock when he was 13 years old?

I tried that once, with one of those replica silver dollars that you can buy for $35 or $40 from the U.S. Mint in Philadelphia, and it went about 50 feet before it sank out of sight. The river is more than half a mile wide at that point, so I knew immediately that the silver-dollar story was bullshit. That is the way I like to test these absurd political legends, just so they won't hang around and haunt me for the rest of my life, like that goddamn silver-dollar story did until I finally tried it and made a fool of myself.

The Globetrotters were so unbeatable, in fact, that they finally had to hire an all-white, all-Jewish team of professional stooges called the House of David to go on tour with them and get whipped on and humiliated every night. It was like taking their own cannon fodder with them from city to city.

Just why the House of David popped into my mind at a time when I was deeply engaged in a semiprofessional political debate was not at all clear to me at first, until I saw the dismal similarity between the House of David and the Democratic Party in America today.

The House of David and the Democratic Party are one and the same. Their job, every game and every election, is to Lose. They were both born to Lose, and that is what they do for a living. The Democratic Party no more expects to take over the White House in 2004 than a chicken expects to get rich by walking on water.

The USA is coming to pieces very rapidly. This once proud nation of hoodlums and whores and the American Way has finally run amok and is effectively Out of Control, and it will not recover. The infrastructure is too far gone. The looting, cheating, stealing and failure have stripped this country of its assets, its pride, its success and its security.

The National Treasury is empty, the Stock Market will never recover, our troops in Iraq will never come home. You will not find a job, never again.… Your children will drink dirty water for the rest of their lives. You will lose your home and all your personal savings.… You will never be able to retire or even stop working, and you will be a serf, a terminally indentured servant to one of the vast anonymous and eternally warlike global Corporations that will rule the world for their own reasons and their own profit.

But not you and me, Hef. We have prevailed. We will never get caught up and chewed horribly in the hideous debris and evil craziness that will inevitably come along with the panic and collapse of a once powerful empire. Look at Germany, look at Rome, lookat the dismal British government. Look at their once heroic prime minister, a conquered little whore who means nothing to History.

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read more: News, magazine, hugh hefner, hunter s thompson

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