Fill in the blank: Califor_ia. Online IQ tests can be a scam but as our writer found out, getting them to actually scam you is harder than you think.
My goal was simple: Get scammed.
Every day, the average media user is inundated with requests to take IQ tests, apply to useless online universities that are only accredited in South America and spot the difference between two seemingly identical photos all for the purpose of displaying their above average intelligence with the world at large.
But do these tests and online colleges and instruction schools really have anything to do with intelligence, or are they all about money? Is it even possible to have your application rejected to one of these schools? That’s what I was about to try and find out…
Art Instruction Drawing School
I was pretty sure a computer would just rattle me off an acceptance letter and I’d be well on my way to a career selling velvet paintings of Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes on the side of the road in Pasadena from my van. I was wrong: I never heard back from Art Instruction Drawing Schools, nor any of the “get your degree online” programs to which I had sent very offensive applications. This leads me to believe that somewhere, some poor soul had actually been hired to read these things by hand. Or maybe mine just strayed too far from the norm to actually be read by the machine that handles 99.4% of the other applications, and it was this person’s job to just read those that the machine couldn’t. I hope my application made this person’s work day a little bit better, although I highly doubt that was the case.
Anyway, after determining that the people at Cubby the Bear School of America or whatever do have at least some acceptance standards, I decided to try my hand at something else…
Online IQ Tests
Online IQ tests are interesting in that the only people who take them tend to have an inferiority complex with something to prove. I don’t have any links to back that statement up, it’s just a gut feeling.
In addition, online IQ tests identify the dumbest people possible, allowing testmakers to sell them things to make them feel smart.
People that type in shit like this
My goal was simple: do as bad as possible on IQ tests, and see what they try to sell me. After all, if I come across as mentally handicapped to these people, I’m probably an easy sell. IQ test scams have been around for at least as long as the Internet, a recent Facebook-spammed IQ test tricked many people into subscribing to cell phone services. If seniors were falling for these scams because “if their friends did it, it must be safe,” surely I could get scammed into oblivion, as well.
My first test was IQtest.com. The “test” featured 38 questions, all of them easy stuff like counting letters in a sentence. After taking this lengthy test, and giving them personal information, I was requested to pay $9.95 for my results. That’s not a scam, it’s just a bad deal.
Then I tried Free-IQtest.net. It was another lengthy test which required my cell phone number before they would send me any results. Reading the fine print, giving them my cell number doesn’t sign me up for anything too weird, beyond the normal spam lists. After entering my cell, it asked me for my information AGAIN so it could sign me up to get called by a college headhunter. Then I had to install a toolbar. That’s where I draw the line.
Moving on, I hoped to find a site that would either do me dirty or give me test results, I tried intelligencetest.com. I liked this test, because I could answer “I don’t know” any time I wanted. This made getting every answer wrong quite simple.
Answering “I don’t know to every question,” I finished the test in seconds. It actually gave me my results, too!
So, answering every question with “IDK” got me the very specific IQ of 56. That’s mildly mentally retarded, but what freaks me out is how specific it is. I would assume that the testmakers think that anyone with an IQ of 55 or below is too mentally haywire to functionally use the Internet. Fair enough. But I wasn’t offered any sort of scam or stupid deal. Seriously, I have an IQ of 56, I’ll probably buy anything if it’s shiny enough. Whatever.
Frustrated with the large amounts of honesty in the IQ test world, I tried IQtestexperts.com. Here, I’m fairly certain I only got one question correct, yet it told me my IQ was 90. 90 is normal. Even though my test indicated I was a moron it gave me a good score anyway, there was nothing trying to scam me.
What is odd is how these tests seem to have such a specific score for someone who misses every question. IQ league had a ten-question IQ test, which scored me at 71 but didn’t try to sell me anything.
If only trying to get scammed were that simple, internet...
Funeducation has an IQ test here. After taking the test, an exciting window popped up informing me that I had qualified for a number of colleges. Clicking the window just took me to a spamsite for 1-star schools. After all this exciting college qualification news, it then told me my IQ was 30.
Simple-IQ.com was all true-or-false questions. I missed every single one of them (woot!) and got the impressive score of 25. That scores me in the “severely mentally dumbfucked” range. Just for fun, I retook the test, answering “true” to everything. It gave me a score of 91, which is average. That makes sense- average people believe everything on the Internet is true.
Finally, desperate to get scammed, I went to a site that had recently made news headlines for scamming dunderheaded Internet citizens: Tickle.com’s “classic IQ test.” You have to sign up for a free account and give them an e-mail address, but there was no prompting for my cell phone number at any time. I scored a 73, which I figure qualified me as a solid mark. However, after several days, my inbox has not received one e-mail from any of these IQ tests.
So, there you have it, the Free Online IQ test industry has been scourged of scammers. Feel free to take remarkably easy tests that give you empty validation. Or apply to Art Instruction School, Charles Schultz went there. The Internet seems safe for now for those who want to feel smarter, without actually trying. It’s shocking, I know, but apparently it’s true.
For now, I guess I’ll have to go back to getting scammed the old-fashioned way (giving bums money “for food”).