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MAN UP! THE CASE AGAINST SKINNY JEANS, EXFOLIATING AND BEING A 'DUVA'
  • April 03, 2013 : 08:04
  • comments

I, Lisa Lampanelli, am a lifelong fan of men. Ever since I was a sophomore in high school and found myself wishing Peter Frampton was fingering me like he fingered his Les Paul, I have loved the male gender. So I’m sure you’ll understand why I am worried about a current trend—a trend more disturbing than hipsters, TLC’s programming and Juggalos combined. I am, of course, referring to the demasculinization of the American male.

Men, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you’ve turned into women. How? You now have style, and that needs to change. Style used to be the exclusive domain of women and gays. Go into any men’s store today and you’ll see rows of skinny jeans, shelf after shelf of ornate, shiny accessories and racks full of shirts so brightly colored and formfitting that Richard Simmons wouldn’t be caught dead in them. Even worse, look behind the counters and you’ll see enough facial scrubs, body lotions and hair products to make Charles Bronson rise from the dead and beat his own ass with a sock full of quarters in disgust.

How, oh how, did we get here? Men who used to barely scrub the dirt from under their fingernails now buy scrubs to cleanse their pores. Eyebrow shaping, exfoliating, capri pants—really, gentlemen? You “guys” may as well walk around wearing a scrunchie and a maxipad.

Body hair, like Mel Gibson, has somehow become the enemy. A man’s hairy chest used to be a turn-on. In the 1970s Burt Reynolds was the ultimate sex symbol, with his shirt unbuttoned and that little tuft of hair sticking out. Now guys shave their chests so much, every time you touch one, it has more tiny pricks than the continent of Asia.

I, for one, don’t like it. I don’t want a man who’s prettier than I am any more than I want a personal trainer with a saggier ass or a pet dog with better breath.

Perhaps this feminization of men has its roots in the rise of “gym culture.” Once guys started obsessing over how every inch of their body looked, vanity began running rampant, and the diva dude—the “duva,” if you will—was born.

You’ve all seen that guy at the gym, dressed in his color-coordinated designer spandex workout clothes that are tighter than Bruce Jenner’s face. He gazes at himself in the mirror, and by that enamored look on his freshly facialed mug, you can just tell he’s dreaming of the day when science perfects cloning so he can put a roofie in his own drink and fuck himself silly.

Even worse are the guys with the skintight yoga pants. If you wear yoga pants, you may not be gay, but you’re definitely on the waiting list.

Maybe that’s what upsets me about these guys. They’re straight, but they dress and groom like gay men. It seems dishonest. What you’re seeing is not what you’re getting. It’s like putting a nun’s habit on Lindsay Lohan. It’s like putting running shoes on Stephen Hawking. It’s like putting a football uniform on Mark Sanchez.

I like a guy who’s low maintenance. One of the perks of living with a man is that when we’re getting dressed to go to a party, he can be ready in three minutes.

But duvas need hours to get ready, and worse yet, they need an abundance of bathroom counter space. Beauty products for men are a lot like banjo music: A little goes a long way. And the last thing I need when I’m trying to put on mascara is to get elbowed by a duva trying to remove his exfoliating mask without ruining his manicure.

This isn’t to say there’s no happy medium when it comes to grooming. Do ladies want guys to keep themselves up a little better? Of course we do. Do we want a guy who looks like Nick Nolte’s mug shot? Of course we don’t. Certain grooming habits are essential. Definitely wax your back and trim your balls—I do. Seriously, if you pull down your pants and it looks like Troy Polamalu is stuck between your legs, we’ve got a problem. But don’t go too far. Nobody needs bald junk. Your penis already looks like it belongs to a baby.

And, guys, please dress like a man. Your jeans should not be so tight I know your religion, and they shouldn’t cost more than a laptop. If it’s not snowing, you should not be wearing a scarf. It’s not 1963 and you’re not Art Garfunkel. Also, if you must wear a bracelet, make sure it’s made out of a precious metal. Rubber bracelets went out with Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France victories, and thread bracelets are for girls going to a Dave Matthews concert.

So cancel your subscription to Details, throw away your Nair for Men and kick those mandals to the curb. We need to get back to the days of manly men. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go pluck my husband Jimmy’s eyebrows. I don’t want the neighbors to think I’m having an affair with Sam Donaldson.

read more: lifestyle, style, fashion, lisa lampanelli

10 comments

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    I like the way Suomynona thinks! Milk skirts and kilts all the way
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Struck a nerve with the guy under me because the article is bang on.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Total rubbish, men have to evolve to Lisa, your so dead wrong its not even funny. Your back in the 70's girlfriend. The days of the cave man are over, with so many other men competing for the same women, men have gotten competitive in other ways. Its very simple, its survival of the fittest just in a different form. That's our society in a nutshell. Men have to be attractive to, plain as simple and you gotta get the edge any way you can. If that means I pluck my eyebrows or get a wax then so be it. I'd love to dissect this article with about 10 pages of my thoughts but your getting the short version. Even my mom wouldn't agree with half the crap you said and shes 66. To whoever said "too many lame girly men out there". I bet you would get rocked by those lame girly men who have 20 inch biceps and run 2km in 5:30 mins. It's the new breed of alpha male. So just shhhh
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Put a line in the sand and smash it. This ain't no good for show bro who flow you know.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Dead on Lisa, Men have been hammered so much in the last 10 0r 15 years they have forgotten what it is to be a man. The same goes for women. It's like a bunch of middle aged high school kids were let loose on society. Enough already guys man up and gals woman up.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Great article. Spot on analysis that happens to be funny to boot.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    One of the best articles this year! Can't agree more.... too many lame girly men out there!
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    as a fashion/glamor photographer it depends from guy to guy if the rough and tough look works vs the more sculpted chic look
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    i don't understand why playboy would publish this. i don't think lisa lampanelli, who's 51 by the way, should be telling anyone how to look. no one, especially no young males (the majority skinny jeans wearers), are trying to impress her or women like her. it's like my mom giving me advice on what to wear. no, just no. it won't do. not on my watch. ahhh the eternal cliche of old people crying "things were so much better before" blah blah blah. i don't touch my eyebrows and i don't exfoliate, but goddamnit i do wear skinny jeans, therefore i am standing up for my fellow skinny jeaners and myself by respectfully saying "shut up you old, fat, ugly bitch, no one likes you." too much? sorry, this just struck a nerve.
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