Seven Things You Didn't Know About The Internet

By Special From The Smoking Jacket

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The internet sure is a crazy place, but we bet we know a few things about that you don't.


The Internet has completely changed the way the entire planet works. For example the Internet has filled basements owned by grandmothers with the echoing sounds of their grandson’s hardcore porn. Also, it has brought us amazing ways to share our perspective with that of the world with things like Facebook and YouTube. At this point it almost seems like there is no territory to yet uncover about the Internet, right?

WRONG. Here are 7 things you didn’t know about the Internet.

  1. THE GERMANS HAVE A 17-YEAR-OLD MEME

Wikipedia says this picture was taken circa 1895 which we think is absolute horseshit

German people are some of the craziest folks to walk the Earth. They love techno, beer and apparently have one of the oldest known memes. They’re German, so it’s weird.

Germans also pretend a town called Bielefeld with a population of over 300,000 doesn’t exist and is, in fact–a fake town propagated by a mysterious Illuminati-esque organization known as THEY or THEM. This joke, thought up by a college student actually from Bielefeld that posted the loose idea of this on an ancient Internet forum. A conspiracy actually started around it and then it evolved into a joke. The crazy German mayor of the city still receives phone calls every day from people doubting the existence of Bielefeld.

  1. INTERNET DOMINATION SURE HAS CHANGED

When you look at who is completely beating ass at the Internet today, it’s obvious that the Googles and the Facebooks are totally killing it. But what was winning the Internet at the turn of the century? Well, it was Neopets that was laying waste as the fourth most trafficked site on the internet in 2001. It was eight whole spots ahead of Google. Now, of course, we know that Google slammed a warm beer, grabbed Neopets by its collar, took it out back, tied it to a tree and shot it at point blank range with a Winchester rifle before finally urinating on its remains.

  1. YOU CAN TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE OUR INTERNET

If our forefathers had the Internet, you know they would’ve put their wooden teeth in and shot muskets at any cruel tyrant that dare threaten the people’s access. At this point it is definitely cruel and unusual to try and deny a man access to his daily viewing of breathtaking Playboy girls! The Internet is now considered a human right (way more hip than water) — in 2001, the U.N. declared the web a basic human right. Be on the lookout for a Farmville request from the UN.

  1. THE INTERNET ROBOT GARDEN OF ’95

For some reason we were thinking more laser eyes, less pointy sticks.

Everything about robots is flat-out terrifying. They have super strength, the ability to perform human jobs more efficiently, and they all have a desire to overrun the planet to create their robot empire. Their thirst for the spilling of human blood is downright insatiable, so it’s hard to believe our society uses robots for anything.

Well, apparently we all dodged a bullet in 1995, since some maniacs down at the University of South Carolina built an Internet-controlled robotic death garden! That’s right, they built a garden of skin-shredding, bone-crushing robots that people all over the Internet could play with. Over 10,000 people participated in the project, which is but a fraction of the lives we would of lost had the garden become self-aware and hell-bent on destruction.

  1. YOU’RE LOOKING KINDA FAT THERE, INTERNET

Sometimes when people experiment with hallucinogenics or are in a room with a lot of fumes, they ponder about the strangest things. For instance, have you ever wondered how much the internet weighs? It turns out, the internet does have it’s own fat ass. The electrons that are used to store binary code actually have mass. While tiny, it does provide the answer to the question. The internet weighs around 50 grams, about the same as a strawberry. Bust this fact out in front of your friends and instantly become their leader.

  1. A 75-YEAR-OLD SWEDISH WOMAN HAS THE WORLD’S FASTEST INTERNET CONNECTION

"No, Doris, only the black cards can go on top of the red ones"

If you’ve ever watched a grandparent become enraged when tryin’ to ”hop on the Googler to read my electronic mail,” you’ve come to the conclusion that old people and the Internet don’t mix well.

So imagine a 75-year-old Swedish woman screaming insane things at her computer screen in her hilarious accent. Giving old people high speed Internet seems dangerous, almost deadly. Despite all of the evidence regarding old people and their computers, the person with the fastest Internet connection in the entire world is 75-year-old Swedish mother of an Internet mogul. Sigbritt Lothberg didn’t have a computer until recently, but now has such a fast connection that she can watch 1,500 HD movies simultaneously. She will be able to download a scandalous Andy Griffith sex tape in two seconds!

  1. THE INTERNET WAS ORIGINALLY GOING TO BE CALLED “THE GALACTIC NETWORK”

The Galactic Empire in Star Wars probably had even faster Internet than ole’ Sigbritt. The Internet on the Death Star probably had a sweet name to like “The Galactic Network.” That is a really cool name for a Galactic Empire, not so much something your little brother gets on to do research for his report though. When the Internet was first conceived it was actually called “The Galactic Network,” which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Emperor Palpatine is secretly running our society.


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