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Savvy Philandering 101
  • June 07, 2011 : 20:06
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By now, however, you’ve realized this was far cooler in theory. To be reelected, you will need to raise a few thousand dollars a day, every day, for the next 18 months. And when you’re not flying across the country once a week to spend time with needy constituents, you’re explaining to your wife why you won’t be able to make it home for your eight-year-old daughter’s soccer game. Worse yet, there are 10,000 bloggers out to get you. One misstep, perceived or real, and you’re screwed—especially when it involves screwing of the flagrante delicto variety.

But hey, you deserve some companionship without rat-fucking political operatives such as myself using it to derail or obliterate your political career. A decade ago Slate offered a mathematical formula for determining how many young women a congressman would have to seduce in order to generate a five percent likelihood that their mothers would know each other. (The answer was about 20.) I can do better. Follow these handy tips and that percentage will shrink to zero.

Tip #1: Downsize your dating pool

Stick to women who have as much to lose as you do. Avoid constituents; they will stalk you at town-hall meetings, show up at your office unannounced and follow your wife around the local grocery store. Nor are interns a good idea. The last thing you need is a semen-soaked blue dress floating around a Georgetown apartment rented by five 21-year-old college seniors, each with 1,500 Facebook friends and a generationally looser definition of privacy. Come to think of it, stay away from anyone with a roommate.

Staffers are no better—they’re a dangerous mix of ambitious star fucker and poverty-stricken assistant. Good luck keeping them quiet. Like former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, you could try to save face and placate your Christian-right base by marrying the staffer. But that strategy works only until you want to run for president—isn’t that right, Newt? I understand the allure of high-end call girls, but they’re a trap. A few extra thousand dollars might get you more adventurous companionship but no more discretion. We’re talking about entrepreneurial women who are engaged in an illegal enterprise and therefore prone to saving mementos such as cell phone bills and canceled checks for future leverage. Whatever you do, keep your hands off the wives of powerful political operatives such as Roger Stone, the flamboyant Republican consultant who specializes in making his enemies feel pain. He is a crazy motherfucker who will slit your throat and then invite your widow to Miami Velvet, a swingers club where he reportedly met a hooker who had crossed paths with then New York governor Eliot Spitzer.

So who are you allowed to fuck? Mainly female lobbyists and current and former members of Congress. The best lobbyists earn your annual salary between New Year’s Day and the National Cherry Blossom Festival in March. One hint of selling sex for access will make that cushy job and five-­bedroom home vanish. Missouri Republican senator Roy Blunt did it right; his hot second wife is a lobbyist for Kraft Foods. As for congresswomen, they’re in the same boat as you—an affair that goes public will sink them. Just be forewarned: Except for maybe South Dakota Republican representative Kristi Noem and Alabama Republican representative Martha Roby, there are no prom queens within the congressional chamber.

Tip #2: Keep the sex straight and straightforward

First and foremost, whatever the sexual position, always wear a condom. Your bastard child will be revealed—even if it takes decades and/or it’s after you’re dead. Exhibit A: Essie Mae Washington-Williams, the elderly African American woman who outed South Carolina Senate stalwart Strom Thurmond as her father nearly 80 years after he got her 16-year-old mother pregnant. Otherwise, stick to normal sex, behind closed doors and on your home turf. Don’t believe me? Try this cautionary tale on for size. Once upon a time, according to court documents, U.S. Senate candidate Jack Ryan took his actress wife Jeri Ryan (of Star Trek: Voyager fame) to sex clubs in New York and Paris. One such club in New York had “cages, whips and other apparatus hanging from the ceiling.” Thus, he violated two of my tenets: (1) He strayed far from his home base in Illinois, and (2) he demonstrated peccadilloes that could easily be interpreted as deviant. Consequently, he helped his opponent, a then unknown Democratic state senator named Barack Obama, coast to electoral victory. Think how history might have changed had Ryan saved the kink for his political afterlife.

Another verboten act: gay sex. Unless, of course, you’re Barney Frank, which leads me to a quick side note—know the sensitivities of your constituents and fuck accordingly. When you represent southern California, pretty much every freakish act can remain on the menu; however, when your district falls within the Bible Belt, never stray from the missionary position or your wife. Now, back to purely masculine conquests. My advice: Don’t pursue them—like, ever. If Idaho Republican senator Larry Craig had wanted to hook up with a woman in a Minneapolis–St. Paul International Airport bathroom, he’d still be in the Senate. And if New York Democratic congressman Eric Massa had admitted to tickling female aides instead of their male counterparts, he’d still be in the House of Representatives.

No matter your sexual persuasion, steer clear of teens. Former Illinois Democratic congressman Mel ­Reynolds’s affair with a 16-year-old female campaign volunteer cost him his seat in Washington and earned him a prison sentence. (The exact charge: 12 counts of sexual assault, obstruction of justice and solicitation of child pornography. Try keeping that out of your opponent’s next round of robocalls.) Additionally, Reynolds attempted to set up a threesome with his underage paramour and her 15-year-old friend—also a no-no.

Tip #3: Know your surroundings

Always be sure you’re the one who chooses the hotels where you seal the deal. I recommend the Ritz-Carlton, the St. Regis and the Willard. There, you are paying for discretion, so be sure to tip the concierge and doorman well. Unlike pricey hookers, concierges and doormen are known for keeping secrets, not selling them. Also: Memorize your exit routes. If you don’t, there’s a good chance you’ll end up cornered in the hotel basement bathroom, frantically calling your consultants for advice on how to dodge the National Enquirer reporters awaiting you outside. Along those lines, never book the reservation in your name. And because there are cameras everywhere, no foreplay in the elevator.

Bring her back to your place only if you’re one of the handful of congressmen with their own apartment or condo. (Remember what I said about roommates? They may be friends, but they’re also witnesses.) The office is a different story. You have a plausible cover—you were working late—and constituents love to hear how you sleep on your couch to save money. (You can clean up the next morning in the House gym.)Romantic dinners are thornier. Particularly avoid both D.C. Morton’s locations, the Monocle Restaurant and the Capital Grille, which is situated on Pennsylvania Avenue halfway between Capitol Hill and the White House and frequented by such notorious lady-killers as former Tennessee Democratic congressman Harold Ford Jr. His signature Grille move was scrawling personalized notes to the woman he was interested in. The taller and blonder the woman, the nicer the note. Keep in mind, though, that Ford was single at the time. (Probably not coincidentally, he married a tall blonde.) You’re not. So handwritten notes aren’t sweet; they’re evidence.

Finally, don’t forget about your congressional lapel button. It allows you to skip through security and ride in special elevators, but it also makes you immediately recognizable as someone influential and therefore worth observing in closer detail. Most guys take off their wedding ring when they’re on the prowl. You should too, but stash your lapel button with it.

Tip #4: The sun is your friend

The old adage is true: Nothing good happens after two a.m. However, the corollary is equally true: All kinds of good things can happen during business hours. Stick to the daytime, when you can claim you were attending a cap-and-trade-policy briefing with European diplomats in your suite at the St. Regis.

The real key is to hire the right staffers to free you up during the day to fund-raise, fact-find and fuck. Thus, aggressively seek out blindly loyal Capitol Hill lifers who know their way around Washington like fifth-year seniors know their way around campus. The right inner circle will allow you to be Bill Clinton behind closed doors and Mike Huckabee before the masses. Cherish it as much as your two p.m. booty call. 

Savvy Philandering 101

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