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PlayBook: Stars and Stripes and Sex Forever
  • July 27, 2012 : 18:07
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“Sex is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint and false modesty as the other.
                                                                                                          -  Marquis de Sade

Reports out of London have the IOC on the hook for a standing order of 150,000 condoms to accommodate whatever deviant misadventures athletes might find themselves embroiled in while living in the apparently overcrowded and carnal quarters of the athletes’ village. And so what? We’re at a loss to find anything amiss with a healthy if not hefty dose of hedonism, with a Planned Parenting parade or IOC-sanctioned orgy, a fetishistic predisposition to prophylactics or all-night sex romps on the chalky asphalt of the 100-meter track. These are high-strung people, folks, Adderall-addled adolescents who spend their formative years being coached and corralled like finely tuned show dogs all in the name of performing live circus acts on TV every four or five years, only to be shot out back if they don’t succeed. So what if they want to sniff butts between sets and act horny like the kennels in heat? What’s so wrong about a little open-door, shit-slinging, sweat-soaked orgy at high noon if they’re allotted 15 condoms a head? Huh?

“Womankind more joy discovers, making fools, than keeping lovers.” Selah. And so much for that. Other notable deviancies surrounding the Olympics include out-of-market horse tranquilizers and steroid-soaked elephant epidurals and big-time gambling for people with a well-documented weakness for fun, of which we are numbered.

There’s no better time to indulge in the gambling vice than during the Olympic Games, when determining an odds-on favorite in sports like equestrian and water polo is little more than a carefree crapshoot. People who pay close attention to hurdle-jumping horses tend to keep that type of perversion to themselves, yet bookies will take whatever you want to lay against Shoulda Bought a Boat at 3 to 1 to jump four hurdles and falter at the finish.

What the fuck does that even mean?

No one knows, and that’s the point; betting futures on the Olympics is a fast way to find yourself without one, babbling uncontrollably on the outskirts of England about some show horse who sucked and is now being used as a stud in one of the seedier displays in the athletes’ village.

Whoops. We’re getting vulgar now; best just get to the action:

Will China win more gold medals than the U.S.? Yes  -130, No -110

This is a trap bet, a literal trap designed by the peddlers of the Patriot Act to test the resolve and patriotism of American citizens. Taking “Yes” is actually consenting to a search and seizure, and the people who did have already vanished from their homes.

Over/Under 3.5 gold medals for Michael Phelps?

This is actually asking whether Michael Phelps will become the most awarded Olympic athlete of all time, and the answer is no. Take the under; Phelps wins the 100 and 200 m butterfly and the 4 x 200 freestyle relay, but the team falls to France in 100 m freestyle and to Australia in the medley.  

Over/Under 6.5 disgraced (read: steroid-addled) athletes?

Eight athletes were stripped of their medals in 2008, though two were returned, so we’ll set the bar at 6.5, which is on par with a 6.3 average since the 2000 Games in Sydney. Given the current climate in Washington, where the spook show witch trials for athletes suspected of cheating are in full swing, we’ll take the under.

Usain Bolt’s time in the 200 m: 19.19 or worse – 1 to 4, 19.11-19.18 – 9 to 4

This is essentially betting whether Usain Bolt will set another 200 m world record, which he technically will, so the 9 to 4 bet plays. The problem is that he’ll set said “record” while finishing second to Yohan Blake, thereby not setting a record at all. For people who like betting on incompetence you can also grab Bolt at 10/1 to false start.

Over/Under 25.5 for the average margin of victory for Team USA Men’s Basketball

Over/Under 45.5 for the largest margin of victory for Team USA Men’s Basketball

Over/Under 12.5 for the smallest margin of victory for Team USA Men’s Basketball

Olympic basketball is a bit bizarre, but not so bizarre that they play the sport with numerous balls on the court at once. Having 12 of the best NBA minds on the planet is a plus, but only one of them can ever score at a time. Take the under across the board. 

read more: sports, sex, olympics, athletes

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