's Exclusive Interview with Adam Carolla

By Michael J. Lockhart

The funnyman and car fanatic talks comedy, Satan, and getting taken out of context.

Every once in a while comes a comedian whose mouth knows no bounds when it comes to the most hilarious, topical and outrageous commentary to ever reach the general public. From his modest comedic beginnings alongside Jimmy Fallon on The Man Show to currently hosting the most-downloaded podcast on the planet, The Adam Carolla Show, Adam is more than happy to weigh in on everything from politics to cars and every serious social issue in between.

After his live podcast last week at the 30th Anniversary Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal, we caught up with Adam prior to getting on stage with guest (and real-life neighbor) Howie Mandel as he explained the finer points of a new Hassidic sect’s circumcision trends along with analyzing Mandel’s crazy home videos (try not to Google his daughter). So you’re going to Montreal for Just For Laughs. I guess you’ve heard about the student protestors by now. Do you think that has any place in North America?

Carolla: When did education and health care become free and a right? That’s kind of how it is out here. Anything that costs money isn’t a right in my opinion. We’ve had the Occupy Wall Street guys, there’s a certain amount of people who are out there for the right reasons, then there is the other 93 percent who are just trying to get laid and sell crap. Basically the guys who hate the man and hate their job and hate their life….or just don’t have a life. Whenever I see people taking to the streets on a weekday at two in the afternoon I’m always like, “Don’t you have to be somewhere? Where do you get this kind of time?” and then I immediately become suspicious of them and don’t like them. Would you say the Occupy Movement was in vain?

Carolla: It was a nice photo op for billionaires like Russell Simmons who live in 50,000-square-foot houses with golden toilet seats to go down and take photos with the 99 percent. It was nice for a lot of BS celebrities to go down and take pictures with filthy people who smell like patchouli oil and then get back in the Rolls-Royce and go back up the hill where they live in their gated communities. That part was cool! Other than that, it didn’t really accomplish anything. Everyone likes to point at other countries and state that because Sweden or Canada has free health care, we should too. Is that acceptable?

Carolla: These notions where you get to cherry pick your countries and then go, “Oh, in Cuba they have universal health care.” Michael Moore will tell you, “They have better health care in Cuba.” Hey Michael, when you need your triple bypass in about six months, why don’t we fly you out to Cuba? Do you want to go to the Mayo Clinic or out to Cuba? What? You want to go to the Mayo Clinic? Shut up, of course Cuba’s a pile of crap and of course no one wants to live in Cuba — they all have the same health care in Cuba, which is horrible health care. And by the way, whenever a leader of another country gets sick, do they fly them into Cuba? No, they fly them into the United States so they can have the best health care in the world. By the way, how’s Europe doing financially? Are they doing great? I think they may be having some cash flow problems.

Carolla: Yeah, I wonder why. [laughs] You’re an atheist, right?

Carolla: I am. So I know you don’t believe in god, but do you believe in the devil?

Carolla: No, unless you mean Donald Trump. So why would you push back the birth of your twins so they wouldn’t be born on 6/6/6?

Carolla: This is a very good question. I’m not a believer of the god or the devil, or Friday the 13th. But if someone asked me, “So did you want to go bungee jumping on Friday the 13th or Thursday the 12th?” I would probably say Thursday the 12th, just so I wouldn’t be the guy who went bungee jumping on Friday the 13th with people saying, “Yeah, I knew that cord would snap.” With C-sections, you can go any day. As long as you’re going to toss a coin you might as well toss it this way, and more so for the kids. Because the kids would have to go through their whole lives, when filling out paperwork, they’d have to do the 6/6/6. My son might not be able to get laid by a Christian girl in 15 years, hypothetically. Half the population of this country believes in angels and fairies…and astrology. You ranted a bit on Comic-Con the other night on Leno. Why are nerds taking over?

Carolla: We shouldn’t and we’re letting them and it’s out of control. As I said on the show, “Hey nerds! Christian Bale is not going to Comic-Con because he’s a big star and doesn’t feel like going to hang out with a bunch of losers. So if you don’t want to see Batman, don’t watch it! I dare you, nerd, you can’t stay away.” Why is the head cheerleader kissing up to the nerds? Shouldn’t the nerds be kissing up the head cheerleader? I think the Internet has started…I blame Bill Gates, everyone’s got to go kiss his ass? We’ve become slaves to the computer and thus slaves to the nerd. And they’re all angry because of their high school experiences, so now us ex-jocks need to pay. I’m here to stand up for the jocks and tell these nerds they’re still nerds, and I’ll give them a wedgie if they keep it up. We hear you have a pretty sick auto collection. What’s the favorite in your garage right now?

Carolla: I’m working right this second on a ’72 BMW three-liter race car called the Batmobile, but has nothing to do with the Batmobile, they just call them Batmobile. It’s a group two race car, it’s confusing…Google Batmobile BMW CSL 3.0 1972, that’s my car. What’s the dream car you still don’t own?

Carolla: I’d say a ’67 Ferrari 275 GTV. You won the Toyota Pro/Celebrity Race this year, congrats. Any plans to continue racing?

Carolla: Monterey, Pebble Beach Rolex series. I’ll be driving at Laguna Seca in a few weeks. When your recent remarks were criticized, the technology of blogs and social media made it so easy for them to go viral. What do you hate most about the media?

Carolla: I don’t mind it at all. I have no problem with something that’s accurate. But I don’t think media should be shaping the news, they should be reporting the news. My story was the guy asked me who was funnier, men or women? And I said men are funnier. That turned into, “Adam Carolla hates women” and “Adam Carolla thinks women aren’t funny”; no mention of the part in the article where I said “Of course there’s plenty of funny women out there like Tina Fey, Kathy Griffin and Sarah Silverman.” I listed three women who I thought are funny and they didn’t mention that part. Ask me who’s faster, a Kenyan or an Irishman? I would say a Kenyan, but you can’t print “Adam Carolla says Irishmen can’t walk.” Unless you want to start some controversy, then you can. Is that news? If a plane goes down and four people die that’s the story. You can’t say 400 people die, I know you wish they did because it’s a better news story. That’s not the news, that’s you making stuff up. I don’t mind the reporting of the story, I mind the embellishing of the story to make your stupid point when obviously you have an agenda or else wouldn’t be spinning it this way. What was your first Playboy?

Carolla: I used to babysit these kids next door and their dad had a Playboy. My dad wasn’t decent enough to have a Playboy. Best Playmate ever, Candy Loving.

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