's Death March to Fitness Glory

By Staff

The editorial team competes head-to-head in a brutal P90X challenge. Check out the first installment here.

Lounging about a bar table littered with empty glasses, bottles and overflowing ashtrays. The life of a editor — writing about fine wines, rich food and, of course, beautiful women — means surrounding oneself with all of the above. Trust us, it’s not as easy as it sounds.

Sighs of consumption exhaustion led to a conversation on how living the Playboy lifestyle isn’t for the faint of heart, and we, as its online connoisseurs, should make an attempt to reconcile this. Hearing this, the she-devil that is our Secondary Revenue Manager planted the seed for a competition. Nixing his self-induced beer coma at the mere mention of a bet, our Sports Editor Fraser jumped to attention and threw down a crisp $100 bill.

The she-devil seized the opportunity to suggest that we attempt the holy grail of fitness, which many attempt and few succeed: the P90X Challenge. The five of us would compete for 12 weeks (90 days) until the fat peels off, our bodies get ripped and our editorial room stops reeking of fries.

Not wanting to appear weak, the remaining editors added to the pile of cash: $500 in all. The bet stands thus: whoever can complete the six grueling hour-long workouts each week, follow the protein and veggie-rich diet, and reduce their body weight and body fat percentage will be the victor.

Here commences’s Death March to Fitness Glory!

As the resident car guy here at, I spend my days fantasizing about cars, and girls on cars, and writing about cars I wish I could afford. That being said, all activities mentioned involve sitting on my ass – where fat goes to die. I used to weigh in at 255 lbs. and recently made it down to 185 after walking a dozen or so miles a day and staving off fries for five years. After rekindling my romance with the crispy tuber, my weight headed north to my current 215. Time for a change!

What You Want to Achieve: I’d like to convert about 30 lbs. into muscle and lower my body fat percentage to about 15%.

General Observations: Plyometrics is a multiday killer, and the resistance bands smell sickeningly like high school science lab formaldehyde.

I deal in the “mmhs” and “ahhhs” of beautiful women, not in the grunts and groans of physical exertion. I deal in scotch and whiskey, and the occasional cigarette, not in shakes and protein ounces and leafy greens. Hedonist is a word I lovingly and excessively embrace. Even my id has been known to whisper, “Uh…are you sure that’s a good idea?”

What I Want to Achieve: To finally learn that when a buff marketing coworker comes into the office with the words, “Guys, I’ve got this idea…” to evacuate the premises immediately. That and to take Fraser’s $100, which may be more primary rather than secondary.

General Observations: My id is confused. My body aches. I wake up from nightmares searching for a wineglass. There is a man in my living room telling me to “Bring It,” which is less fun than it sounds. To survive, a rapid  change from glutton for pleasure to glutton for punishment has come into play.

Click below to check out the rest of the competitors!

My background in physical fitness is what you would call suspect, spotty at best. I hold the firm belief that athletic, laborious endeavors are best practiced from afar and at high volume on the couch with a beer, corn chips and maybe a dog.

What You Want to Achieve: $500

General Observations:  P90X is an unapologetic, enduring inconvenience on my life and has thus far been an experiment gone horribly awry; my muscles are in full revolt, my stomach longs for fried bread and cheese and my overall composure is volatile, caught somewhere between a menacing junkyard dog and underappreciated, overly armed postal worker.

When I’m not writing about all things musical, delicious and geeky, I’m taking walks to the coffee shop, record store and bar to respectively eat, buy and drink away my feelings. To add to my unhealthy relationship with food, I also date a talented chef, which means most of my meals are hard to stop eating. Because of these things, my calorie intake, along with my weight, has gone through the roof. I also have mad love for craft beer, so there’s that too.

What You Want to Achieve: I want to go into a bar where a particular musician from Nashville is playing and have his eyes on me all night.

General observations: I feel embarrassed doing Wacky Jacks in front of my cat, but I love starting off my day with such an intense workout. This first week I’ve gotten very frustrated with myself. I jog around the park by my house for half an hour to keep my heart rate up if I can’t finish properly.

I was fat, and now I’m less fat; stocky, maybe. But I’m still not in shape and I never really have been. I walk and cycle most places I need to go, but I’ve never really gone out of my way to exercise. The opportunity to do P90X with my peers has provided the motivation to finally get healthy.

What You Want to Achieve: Establish a rhythm off the top and let it carry me through to the end of the program. I don’t have specific weight-loss or muscle-gain goals. I’m more intent on improving my overall health and creating habits I can carry beyond the end of the 90 days.

General Observations: Week one has been bumpy at best, but I already feel more positive about the program and I’m confident I’ll stick with it. I’m focused on making it through the workouts the best I can and keeping morale high.

The System

P90X is a total body system incorporating high-intensity circuit weight training, cardio and plyometrics in a fast-paced fitness program that is based on the concept of muscle confusion. By regularly changing the targeted muscle groups, P90X forces your body to adapt to the various workouts and to not become “comfortable” with any one exercise. By doing this, your body will build and tone muscle faster and learn to recover quicker – as it will learn to anticipate that your day-to-day movements are unpredictable.

Want to compete with us? Pick up a P90X system yourself HERE.


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