's Guide to St. Patrick's Day

By Staff

Drinking til you drop is one way to go about St Patrick's Day but allow us to suggest an alternative.

Before your friends find you face down in puddle of non-descript green ‘mud,’ there are a few things you should know about having a successful St. Patrick’s Day. Swilling ten Guinnesses before noon is not among them. Nor are Jameson shots before breakfast. And you should stop talking to that girl who keeps calling you Clarence; your name isn’t Clarence and judging by her Adam’s apple, she isn’t a girl. Staying sober enough to stand and distinguish one gender from the other is important on a day when many will be unable to do either; to accomplish such a task there are a few things you would be well-advised to keep in mind.

Food: Start with breakfast, end with breakfast

Starting with breakfast is a given but ending with breakfast is a hangover cure a la Ireland’s best and drunkest. It doesn’t matter when you end, but you should end with breakfast. Proper breakfast. None of this flimsy yogurt and fruit charade. We’re thinking eggs, sausage, hash browns, toast, maybe a grapefruit, get some cheese in there somewhere, double down on the pig and add some bacon and coffee.

Flasks: Walking Whiskey

We advise hiding your car keys days in advance. Inconvenient? Maybe. Responsible? Undoubtedly. Thus public transit and walking become our prime modes of transportation come revelry time and anyone experienced with either knows they can be time-consuming. Which is why keeping a well-stocked flask on hand will keep you buzzing between bars.

Dollars and Drinks: Don’t Overpay

Unbeknownst to the wild sorority girls shrieking near the bar, green beer contains just as much if not less alcohol as normal, everyday beer. The price bump from four dollars to six can be explained by it being green. It being green can be explained by the addition of food coloring. Food coloring can be purchased for roughly 50 cents at your local Save Easy and probably turns upwards of a hundred beers green. We’re not that good at math so we won’t show our work here but two extra greenbacks for a hay penny’s worth of food coloring seems egregious.

Napping: Not Just For Babies

There are two divergent schools of thought when it comes to napping. One states that napping mid-bender will result in complacency, an inability to resume drinking upon waking. The second, pro-napping argument reasons that napping is a rejuvenating process akin to being electroshocked back to life and will leave the napper capable of extraordinary feats of imbibing strength. Us? We’re nappers, but to each their own.

Closing Time: The Last Shot

If you’re straight-gone, shit-housed, do not turn down your friend for that last shot. You’ve passed the point of no return. Tomorrow is going to be unpleasant; you might as well go down with the ship.


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