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So You Think You Want To Have A Threesome?
  • December 10, 2012 : 07:12
  • comments

I, Lisa Lampanelli, am nothing if not an honest beyotch. So during my first telephone conversation with the man who would eventually become my husband—the infamous Jimmy Big Balls—I told him what he could expect from a relationship with me. Or rather what he could never expect: a threesome.

Well, we’ve been together for nearly four years now, and Jimmy shows no signs of revisiting the subject. Either he respects my decision or he doesn’t want to risk having two women chuckle about his gargantuan nutsack.

Ah yes, the threesome—the holy grail of sexual encounters. Some men dream of playing in the Super Bowl, others dream of being rock stars and still others want to paint the next Mona Lisa. But every man dreams of having a threesome. The only thing men dream of more than a threesome is a foursome—and I don’t mean on the golf course.

But wait! Before you do it, take a breath. Double-teaming is a double-edged sword. Like hiring Randy Travis to drive you to the airport, it’s a potentially good idea that could go terribly wrong. In fact, other than not being groped while massaging John Travolta, the threesome is one of the trickiest maneuvers to pull off in the bedroom.

The first thing you need to do is establish that your significant other is into the idea. This probably won’t be a problem if you’re dating a girl whose stage name is Tiffany Ta-Tas or if she has all six seasons of The L Word on DVD. But if your lady is a bit more mainstream, it could be a challenge.

The problem with most women is that, at the mere mention of a three-way, they think, Aren’t I enough for him? What these women don’t realize is that men think about sex the way dogs think about food: Enough is never enough.

If your girl can get over the jealousy issue, she may be willing to bring another woman into the boudoir. But who to choose? First off, under no circumstances should you choose one of her friends. The last thing you want is the two of them comparing notes the morning after over caramel macchiatos. The “trois” of your ménage à trois should be the sexual equivalent of Navy Seal Team Six: Come in, get the job done and disappear into the night without a trace.

In fact, to avoid trouble altogether, make the task of choosing the other woman your girl’s job. If you pick someone who’s better looking, in better shape or has bigger breasts, your woman will end up crying like Octomom doing Christmas shopping and your night will be over faster than Jeff Probst’s new talk show. Or maybe just pay for a hooker. The pro will make sure everyone’s comfortable, and on the off chance it doesn’t work out, you blew a few hundred bucks and you never have to see her again.

Okay, so you’ve found a girl willing to be the Curly to your Moe and Larry, and it’s showtime. But are you prepared for what, and who, is going to go down tonight?

The average woman takes 14 minutes to have an orgasm. The average man takes three minutes. So when you double that Big O take-off time from 14 to 28 minutes and leave yours at three minutes, you run into a huge mathematical problem. A lot of work will need to be done even after your five o’clock whistle blows. If you think disappointing one woman is rough, try disappointing two!

And that’s not all. Threesomes involve a whole new set of rules. Guys, I know you want to be a little crazy and adventurous, but do not do anything to your new friend with benefits that you wouldn’t do to your wonderfully betrothed. If you go way outside the box—no pun intended—with girl number two, your regular gal will start whining like the Nanny, and after that, no amount of Cialis will reenergize that boner.

Having a threesome is much like a political debate, except not quite as sleazy or seedy. But unlike in politics, both sides may not get equal time. You could, on the one hand, pay more attention to the less attractive one, the one I call “the Khloe.” That way the hotter one (a.k.a. “the Kim”) will work harder. There is, however, another way to go. You could err attention-wise on your steady gal. Remember, she’s the one who cooks you dinner and washes the skid marks out of your underwear. She’s the gal you need to impress.

When it’s all said and done, the two of you can decide if you want to do it again. Maybe your threesome will be like a tasty, fattening dessert you’ll treat yourself to every so often. Or maybe it will be a one-time-only thing, like watching Glee or listening to Nickelback.

As for Jimmy and me, the only threesome we ever have is when our dog, Parker, jumps into bed with us each morning. I know—it’s not particularly erotic, but at least I have someone else to blame when I fart.

read more: Sex and Dating, sex, lisa lampanelli, threesome, issue january 2013

6 comments

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    I'LL TRY IT AND TELL YOU THE RESULT
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    AMEN at least someone hit it on the head, these fellas just don't get it :), but to a dancer like myself it is our biggest tool ... double dance :) lol
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Need Sweetie number 1 first.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    So this writer has no ability to generate content of her own. Instead, she constantly makes rather gross, pop-culture references and cheesy metaphors, one after the other. Then we are supposed to believe that women get to dictate everything that happens in a 3-way. The man can't have a say, the man can't live out his part of the fantasy; it's up to the woman to choose, it's up to the man to please, and every man is apparently a 3-minute chump who has to play by the woman's rules. This is garbage. The whole feminization of...well, all society, is making everyone worse off.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    i would like to add that if a man does push the issue he must make sure alchohol; is not involved. otherwise he wil find himself becoming a spectater instead of being a performer.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    You can tell a woman wrote that. The idea is to pick two chick you don't know, both of whom are hot, and then not see either of them in the morning. A three way with your girlfriend, while fun and all, don't match up to that!
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