Six Completely Nonsensical Military Homosexuality Laws

By Evan Hoovler

It's no secret the military has had a tough time adapting to those crazy liberals in Washington, but it's high time these outdated and arcane policies regarding homosexuality got revamped.

The issue on whether or not to allow gays in the military has been a sensitive one. On the one hand, any citizen should be allowed the right to die for their country. On the other hand, some countries still prefer to be Stone Age bigots.

In honor of the repeal of DADT, we decided to take a look at some of the most ridiculous rules about gays in the military. Here are the six completely nonsensical military homosexuality laws.

  1. Measuring Rectum Size

America’s part in World War II is mostly noted for one day when all of their forces got together and attacked a beach wall. It turned out to be Hitler’s favorite beach or something (to tell the truth we really didn’t pay attention in school). But the main point is, World War II was a giant skirmish involving many soldiers, and the U.S. sure didn’t want any of them to be gay.

Upon mobilization, American military doctors began trying to spot and weed out unwanted pickle-tasters. Naturally, being ignorant as to what homosexuality is, doctors began sending home applicants with feminine characteristics. To be honest, when Steve Rogers got rejected from the military for being too frail, we thought for sure “Captain America” would come out of the closet. That’s what we get for getting stoned, then walking into a random movie in the theater without looking at what the title is.

But feminine characteristics weren’t the only thing U.S. military doctors used. In what must have been the most arduous/secretly erotic part of their job, doctors would measure rectum size. Apparently, if you had a big one, they didn’t want you in The Big One. No word on how exactly they determined how big was too big. But in a perfect world, we hope they would find a way to blame it on alien abductions.

What is interesting is that there was no policy for screening out lesbians from helping out the U.S. war campaign. What is there to measure that would? Sure, you could set aside all the women with Ellen haircuts (or whatever macho equivalent held sway back then) but that’s hardly seems like a campaign destined for accuracy. Tongue, maybe? We like to imagine that there were sensual orgies between muscular female soldiers in sweaty base camps. But we know that’s not true, because it’s based on a stereotype perpetrated by same people who, you know, measure assholes and stuff.

  1. Gays Can Be Drafted, But They Can’t Volunteer

Blue, means homosexuals can serve. Red means they can’t. Green means they don’t have a functional military.

According to a U.S. government report, as recently as 1993, Germany allowed homosexuals to be drafted into the military. However, big restrictions were placed on homosexuals who want to volunteer. Wrap your head around those gay rights for a second. Feels kind of gross.

In 2000, Germany effectively eliminated all military discrimination based on gender or sexuality. They got on the “duh” train and allowed anyone to give the ultimate sacrifice for patriotism. Let’s take a second to applaud this victory in what many consider the new Civil Rights movement.

Done? Sweet, now let’s talk about Germany prior to the year 2000, when David Hasselhoff was king and a gay person’s services to the country of Germany were far from appreciated. Gays were not permitted to get promoted to officers. Even women could only serve in limited roles, which likely involved blowing up not a single goddamn thing. If you told a recruiting official you were homosexual, they’d you’d be on your ass faster than… nah, we’re not going to go there.

But, hey, it was totally cool for Germany to come to your house, pull your gay ass by your cord, and thrust you into a deadly battlefield. That nutty German army, always keeping gays on their toes more than… okay, not this time.

  1. You Have To Bring a Gay Lover to Battle

“Hey man, thanks for coming to war with me and being all naked and shit.”

The Greeks had the complete opposite attitude when it came to homosexuality. Basically, they encouraged it as a way to be more vigorous in battle. There were several legends, like the one of the warrior Cleomathus, about dudes bringing their lover to battle and subsequently whooping ass, Conan-style. So, Greeks started forming their units by bringing together soldiers and their sexual partners.

The Spartans, everyone’s favorite residents of bloodthirsty ancient Greece, didn’t really go for this idea. They claimed that forming a unit based on sexuality, and not talent, was pretty useless. Hey, that sounds pretty normal, right?

Wrong. The real reason why the Spartans didn’t go for this “bring your lover to war day” idea was because their leader was an asexual weirdo who abhorred the notion of lust.

However, on the other end of this debauched practice was the Sacred Band of Thebes. These guys said, “Hey, why don’t we just structure our entire army around men boning teens?” They actually formed a foreboding army that brought Thebes to central power, likely by bogging their enemies down with the busy work of finding the requisite number of on-hand child supervisors that engaging in battle with Thebes would call for.

  1. You Have to Go to a Correctional Labor Camp

The grass…not always greener.

When Fidel Castro seized power of Cuba, for a brief moment things looked as though they would get better for the gay community. In fact, the promise of an egalitarian society actually attracted a large following of gay immigrants.

Then, the military decided their new policy was “if you’re gay, go to labor camps.” Homosexuals were rounded up and sent to camps for rehabilitation. In what must be one of the ridiculous justifications ever, Castro claimed that he was protecting homosexuals from the inevitable torture they would experience in the army.

The labor camps were centered around “rehabilitation.” We suspect that the mid-1960s idea of “gay rehabilitation” was to show them heterosexual sex acts a la Clockwork Orange until the gay guy had titties burned into his brain. Even Fidel Castro himself has come out and admitted that this was a pretty stupid idea.

  1. Gays Are Classified by a System that Borders Science Fiction

“Ok, everyone on this side of the line: gay.”

If you are gay, and somehow end up in the Singapore army (probably to piss off your dad), things get weird. First off, you are given a classification of “Cat 32,” a category reserved for gays, transvestites and pedophiles. The fact that they equate robbing a child of their innocence with a guy wearing a dress shows as much about how backwards the policy is as the fact that they allow pedophiles to join the military shows how insanely lenient they are about recruiting pretty much anyone else. And it only gets worse.

Once you’ve been adequately classified with this category, the next step is a trip down to the Psychological Medicine Branch of the Headquarters of Medical Services. There, it’s up to these “qualified” shrinks to figure out if you are Class A (homosexual with effeminate behavior) or class B (homosexual without effeminate behavior). No doubt this is scientifically conducted by making the subject choose between an imported microbrew or an appletini.

After these completely arbitrary and useless categories have been determined, psychologists call your parents. No, really, they bring parents in and interview them about their child’s tendency towards homosexuality. Because if anyone is known for behaving rationally, it’s parents upon finding out their child is gay.

If you, a gay in the Singapore military, make it through all this without your head exploding, you are then given some basic military training. No reason, just busywork. After that, you get appointed to a position that has no security risk, and given zero access to sensitive data for life. This might be the most sane thing the Singapore military has done: keep all the pissed off, military trained, persecuted gays away from the process.

  1. You Can Only Get Discharged If You Have Gay Photos of Yourself

“Have you seen the circumference of some of these rectums.”

Military service is required in Turkey, which is a barrel of fucking awful no matter what your sexual preference may be. But homosexuals are “punished” for their “deviant lifestyles” by being barred from serving in the military. Well that sounds pretty great, right?

Yeah, to deal with this paradox, Turkey classifies all military homosexuals as mentally ill.

A 2009 European Union investigation into the matter found that, in order to not be classified as sick-in-the-head, gays had to provide photographic proof of their gayocity. Sometimes, that’s not even enough, and gays are subjected to weird medical examinations. Which brings us full circle back to the rectum-measuring doctors of World War II.

In a nation where half the country comes out to protest every time a war pops off, it makes no sense that the American Military would want to exclude more willing and ready soldiers. They’ll just have to look elsewhere when they want to test super serum.


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