The Pick Up: Friends with Benefits

By Nick Savoy

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Friends with benefits can be great for both people, just keep her and your expectations in check.


Model: Tierra Lee

We all know that woman who might be dynamite in bed, but she wouldn’t make a great girlfriend. Or maybe she would, but you’re not looking for a relationship right now.

The solution? Friends with benefits, of course

Myths about Friends with Benefits

A lot of guys think that most women don’t want a friends-with-benefits situation.  That’s completely wrong. Most women will enjoy a friends-with-benefits situation with the right man, as long as she knows that’s what you want and she feels that it is her choice.

Of course, the challenge is in balancing letting her “know what you want” but also making her feel that being friends with benefits is her choice. You can be very clear about what you want by saying, “This is just sex, right?” but she’ll feel devalued, as if she’s good enough for you to sleep with but not good enough for you to date. 

On the other hand, you can’t really make it her choice, because she might choose a relationship with you. Or she might feel that as a woman, she is “supposed” to want a relationship. Either way, it’s not the best way to get a friends-with-benefits thing going.

So what do you do? Simple…speak to her in her own language. When women talk, they rarely let the conversation get awkward or uncomfortable — they use signals and hints. They do this for a lot of reasons, but one is so that feelings don’t get hurt. You can do the same.

Most of these signals come subtly when you first meet and attract her. If you’re high energy, tease and joke around a lot, even flirt with other women and compliment her look, she’s unlikely to think that you want a relationship. But if you talk about what you have in common, make vague future plans (e.g., “that’s a great movie…we have to watch it together sometime,”) and build a solid emotional connection, then she might think of you more as a potential boyfriend than a friend with benefits.

One of the best ways to set expectations I’ve heard comes from Braddock, a fellow Love Systems instructor. Once things get going in the bedroom, he says something in a joking tone, like, “Wait…we can’t do this…[she asks why]…you’re the ‘what are we?’ girl, aren’t you? And then we’re going to be all awkward, and that sucks because you’re pretty cool.” 

It’s pretty funny when you use it — if she’s into you, she’ll rush to assure you that she’s cool, she’s not the “what are we?” girl — and also that she got the message that this is for fun, not a relationship. No matter what you want with a woman — a long-term relationship, a one-night stand, dating multiple women at once or friends with benefits — set expectations before you sleep with her the first time.

Now, you’re not completely out of the woods yet. She might assume that what started as friends with benefits can “evolve” into a traditional relationship. To make sure this doesn’t happen, make sure that your actions are unambiguously “friends with benefits.” 

DO see other women.  Whether you mention this to her or not (and if you and she are friends with benefits, you don’t have to), your natural behaviors and subcommunications will be a lot better with her. While you’re at it, why not suggest a threesome sometime? DON’T see her more than once per week. DO keep your conversations with her light and funny and positive. You should not be discussing each other’s deepest issues.  DON’T do “dates” with her. Having a few beers together and grabbing pizza before hooking up is fine, but taking her to a romantic movie will give her mixed messages.

Oh, and one last thing — be discreet. If it gets out that you talk about who you sleep with, you’re going to get a lot fewer offers in the future!

About the Author

Nick Savoy is President of Love Systems — the worldwide dating edge for men.  Check out the Love Systems searchable dating advice archive for hundreds of articles on how to get girls and how to set up and maintain the relationship you want. 


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