signup now
The Pick Up: How to Get Your Ex Back
  • October 11, 2012 : 23:10
  • comments

Cancel the florist. Put down that apology letter. Hang up on your mutual friend. Instead, let’s jump straight into the no-nonsense guide to getting your ex back.

Realize that she dumped you for a reason

A lot of guys think that if they could just get together with their ex and talk things out, she’d want to get back together. This is almost never true. She dumped you for a reason. If she had wanted to talk things out instead, she would have. If she regrets breaking up with you, she would be in touch now. Since neither of those things are happening, you are going to stay dumped until and unless her perception of you changes.

Change the way she sees you

Changing how she sees you happens in two ways. The first is purely passive — with every day that goes by, the less she’ll remember the things she didn’t like about being with you and the more she’ll be open to changing her perception of you. That gives you room to give her a new image of you. But it’s on you to take advantage of this opportunity, and that’s where the second part comes in. You have to change yourself and be different. If you’re the same guy that she broke up with, the passage of time won’t help at all.    

Do it on your own

When people change, it’s a gradual, almost imperceptible process. I used to have a strong Canadian accent. When I moved to the United States, I lost it. People who I talked to every day didn’t notice this happening at all. People who I talked to once or twice a year noticed it right away. Cut off contact with her so you have time and space to work on yourself. Don’t tell her why or be mean about it — just stop calling her until you’re ready to unveil the new you.

Change yourself

You may not know exactly why she broke up with you. People are often vague during breakups to avoid awkwardness or hurt feelings. But in most cases, it doesn’t really matter. Attraction is an emotional process, not a logical one. People feel attracted (or un-attracted) and then look for reasons why. Get better at attracting her and the reasons why she broke up with you won’t matter.

If you don’t know why she broke up with you, how are you supposed to know what to change about yourself? Get better with women in general. Go on lots of dates. Challenge yourself to succeed with more desirable women. Do not re-initiate contact with her until you’ve dated or hooked up with at least a half dozen women on her level or above.

Of course, sometimes you will know exactly why she broke up with you. If you drunkenly tried to make out with her sister, you’ll want to make changes in your life that show more responsibility or self-control. But most of the time, just concentrate on being more attractive to women in general.

Most of what attracts or repels a woman is “below the surface” — your body language, voice, tonality, mannerisms and so on. If you know deep down that she’s the best girl you could ever get and you’re desperate for her to take you back, she’s unlikely to feel attracted. But if you have the perspective that you know you could be with women on her level, but you specifically want her — well, that’s a lot more attractive. (You wouldn’t actually say this explicitly, but you don’t have to. Stuff like this comes out through your sub-communications.)

The other reason I tell you to date other women while you’re cutting off contact is you might learn something about yourself. A lot of the time when a guy is pining for his ex, it’s because he thinks that she’s the best he can do. Getting yourself out there again will show you other possibilities. A few months from now, you might not even want her.

Re-initiate contact

Once you’ve left enough time for her to refresh her memory or perception of you (usually a few months or so) and you’ve made positive changes in yourself (as long as it takes), you’re ready to re-initiate contact. Keep it neutral at first — finding something of hers, or needing something of yours that you left at her place, is a good pretext.

See her, have fun, but don’t push for anything or discuss your previous relationship. It all comes down to the emotions she feels when she’s with you. Send her a text message afterward to say that it was fun seeing her again. If she likes how she felt with you, you’ll get an enthusiastic response. If so, call her and chat and make plans. If not, start the process again from the top.

Nick Savoy is the President of Love Systems, the worldwide pickup artist and dating coaching school for men. Through books, DVDs and live training in bars, nightclubs, malls and parks, Love Systems has successfully trained tens of thousands of men to succeed with beautiful women since 2004.

read more: Sex and Dating, relationships, the pick up, dating advice

17 comments

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    this is great reading...
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    This quote: "The other reason I tell you to date other women while you’re cutting off contact is you might learn something about yourself. A lot of the time when a guy is pining for his ex, it’s because he thinks that she’s the best he can do. Getting yourself out there again will show you other possibilities. A few months from now, you might not even want her." was so golden for me. When I broke up with my girlfriend a year and a half ago, I went through such deep depression because out of the previous 5 relationships I had, I thought I had found the one. After getting back into the dating scene though, I've found that I like girls who actually have opposite traits of my Ex. It's interesting how no many how many girls you date whether serious or casual, you still find out more about yourself. Thanks for this article!
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    So smart, can't be that guy who wallows when you see her again. Cheers Nick!
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Awesome advice, thanks!
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Excellent and practical advice!
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    im going exactly through this right now. i know why we broke up and im taking steps to make myself a better man and that those things never happen again. she knows this and is aware of this. she has initiated contacted a number of times and is currently umming and arring about us getting back together. i agree with so many points in this article. im madly in love with this girl and yes im sure i can date other girls but i honestly feel that she is the one for me. i just dont know what else i can do to give her the strength to give us another chance...to take that leap of faith. ive really done all i can i think patience is the key... but i also think that being a little distant will make her think "uh oh...i could be losing him"
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    What is the models name in the flannel?
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    so true. bringing good emotions on the meet up is clutch. dont show up and bring up the old stuff. Nick you are genious
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    This is like the buried gem of Playboy.com
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    This is such great stuff. If my ex looked like the girl twirling her hair up top, I'd move heaven and earth to get her back, too!
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Good, but if he/she return back it's because he/she have forget why he/she have left!!
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Really good stuff here. I'm gonna try and get her back!
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    I've been stuck on my ex for a while (like a lot of guys). I'm definitely going to use these tips (especially the re-initiate contact part) and see if I can get her back!
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Love this. Good practical advice and gives me hope
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    I've started looking forward to these every 2 weeks now...I would love a list of upcoming topics or a way of subscribing? Please?
Show more
Advertisement