Welcome to 2013. If you’re like most people, you’ve made a bunch of New Year’s Resolutions. And if you’re like most people, they won’t last past February.
This year, try a new approach.
The experts at Love Systems (the self-help gurus for dating advice for men) have shown that people who focus on inputs, like “I’m going to skip dessert every Thursday” have a lot more success than people who focus on outcomes, like “I’m going to lose 25 pounds this year.”
With that in mind, I’ve been helping guys solve their love lives for 10 years now, and I’ve seen what works and what doesn’t. I have five New Year’s Resolutions for guys who want to get better with women. That’s it. Print these out, paste them on your wall and hold yourself accountable.
You’ll thank me later.
Find and Communicate Your Passion and Purpose
Being good with women is different from being good at just about anything else. If I want to be great at guitar or basketball, I should spend as much time studying and playing guitar or basketball as I can. But if your life revolves around meeting women, it’s counterproductive. That kind of lifestyle doesn’t make you very interesting to most women.
Find your passion and purpose. Get used to explaining it in a way that other people, especially women, find compelling. It’s better to have genuine passion for your Star Trek memorabilia than it is to pretend that you’re into something because you think she’ll think it’s attractive. It’s the passion and emotional energy that she’ll respond to anyway.
For example, I play and design board games in my spare time. When I talk about that, I don’t talk about the mechanics of dice roll modifiers or card-driven systems. I talk about when I was kid, a lot of my interaction with my family came over games, and even though you can do everything better on computers now, it’s really a great feeling to know that you designed something fun that brings people together in the same room for good times. It’s cooking a great meal, but that people can enjoy over and over. Any woman can relate to that.
But still, you do have to work for your goals. If you want to be happy with your dating life, you need to practice. This isn’t because there’s anything wrong with you. It’s because women practice their social and flirting skills all the time. They can’t help it. An attractive, outgoing, social woman is going to have people wanting to talk to her quite often. To be on her level, you need to practice too.
A good habit to get into is never letting an attractive woman go by without talking to her. If you need to plan to go to the mall or the club or various events so that enough attractive women cross your path for this resolution to be meaningful, go for it. But don’t cheat yourself. Make yourself approach, and don’t leave the conversation (unless she does) for at least five minutes.
You’re not going to be interested in every woman you meet, but if you get good at starting the conversation, breaking the ice and flirting, you’ll be in a great position when Ms. Right does come along.
Get Good “Wingmen”Studies show that people who share their goals with others remain more committed and accountable to them. So, there’s that.
There’s also the fact that meeting women is MUCH more fun and MUCH easier when you’re out with like-minded friends. You can do well picking up women alone if you know what you’re doing, but it’s definitely not the ideal.
If you don’t have any suitable friends in your area, try the wingman forum on The Attraction Forums.
Upgrade Your "First Impression”
Studies have shown that women will often decide whether a man is a “no” or a “maybe” within 30 to 90 seconds of meeting him. It absolutely pays off to make sure you pass that first test. It starts with fashion and hair but it goes beyond that—your body language is hugely important.
The great thing about body language is that unlike, say, going on a date, body language is something you can practice 24/7, even when there are no women around.
Body language can get super detailed, but a few key elements are most important. If you find yourself doing any of these, then pick ONE and fix it. Tell all of your friends that you’re working on (for example) eye contact and ask them to let you know any time your eye contact isn’t solid. Set your phone to vibrate every hour to “spot check” whatever you’re working on, until it’s a habit you don’t think about anymore.
- Eye contact – 90 percent of the time when you’re talking, 70 percent of the time when you’re listening.
- Controlled movements – Like Derek Cajun (a Love Systems Master Instructor) says, “move like you’re moving underwater.”
- Smile – Not a big plastered-on smile, but look friendly. It will help your mood, too.
- Shoulders back – Don’t hunch forward.
- Stand tall – Keep your head up. Don’t look at the ground when you walk.
Be Man Enough to Get Help
Most men aren't “naturally” good at attracting women. Some guys learn from watching older brothers or friends. Others won the genetic lottery. For everyone else, there’s hope—but you’re going to have to make it happen. And men tend not to want to admit that they could use help in this area of their lives.
Women don’t have this problem. They ask for and share advice all the time—and get much more personal than most men. This gives women a social advantage.
What kind of help? Start by looking through these columns—there are almost 20 of them now, each on a different topic. Or remember that wingman forum I was talking about earlier? It’s also a great (and free) place to ask questions and get answers. Check it out.
To your success in 2013!
Nick Savoy is a dating coach for men, and President of Love Systems, an international dating consultancy. Since 2004, it has successfully helped over 10,000 men get married, find a girlfriend, get their ex back or know exactly what to do at the bar or party on Saturday night.