Have you ever heard the expression “success breeds success”? It’s as true in dating as in any other area of life.
Let’s say you’re at a party and you see a guy walk by with a hot woman (or two) on his arm. He doesn’t seem like anything special to you, but other women are checking him out. You might wonder what he’s got going for him. Is he rich? Charming? Hung like a horse? Well, guess what – the women who are checking him out are wondering the same thing. They are already attracted to him and don’t know why. He’s obviously got a lot going for him, if other women seem so interested in him…
So, does this mean that women get interested in a guy just because they think other women are into him? That would be kind of weird, right? I mean, if a bunch of guys are interested in some girl, that usually makes other men less likely to go for her, not more.
Hold that thought while we talk about birds for a minute. Yes, birds. To be specific, a chicken-sized North American bird called a grouse. Male grouse are territorial – they each claim a territory, and then preen around and wait for females to show up. Most of the females congregate around the “alpha male” grouse. Fair enough – this happens in many species. Scientists then took this one step further and put some stuffed (i.e., dead but somewhat life-like) female grouse around some of the more “beta males”. The females flocked to them – and ignored the true alpha males.
This makes sense when you think about it – and applies to humans as well. Males, biologically, are looking for females who are good for childbirth and child-rearing – young, healthy, curvy, etc. We can use our eyes to determine this in an instant, so it doesn’t really matter what the guy next to you thinks, unless he’s going to be competition. But females, biologically, are looking for males who are good for all kinds of things – loyal, protective, stable, etc. – in addition to their physical attributes. So females need to get to know a male’s behavior a little bit to see if he’s suitable. Which takes time…
…And time is something females of any species don’t always have. But if there’s a crowd of females gathering around a given male, other females are going to join in on the fun. Presumably, this first group of females has already done the work and found something attractive about this male – so it makes sense to dive right in instead of letting him slip away.
This applies to humans too. Now, you’re not going to get lucky if you bring a mannequin to the bar – but the same principles apply. If it looks like women are interested in you, other women will be too. And vice versa. This is what we at Love Systems call the virtuous circle – once you start getting a little bit of success, you can use that success to make your next successes easier. We call this principle pre-selection, where a man can be “pre-selected” by women.
Now, how do you show off “a little success” so that other women notice? This is actually a huge topic, but here are a couple of simple steps you can use right away:
- When you're talking to an attractive woman, move around. Let other women see you. Take her to the bar, the patio, to check out the dance floor, whatever excuse you need.
- Never make it look like you got rejected. Even if she tells you to go to hell when you approach her, smile and look like she just made a joke. Don’t slink away, otherwise other women will think you’re damaged goods.
- In the same vein, obviously avoid any conversation that implies that you don’t have much success with women. But at the same time, don’t overcompensate. That other women are attracted to you should be something she sees, not something you tell her. A guy who talks about his success with women often comes across as insecure, which means that he’s probably not all that. (Though there are also a lot of great stories that subtly imply that other women are into you, without appearing to be trying to do brag. Check out the pickup lines routines manual for more examples.)
- When you’re talking to women, make sure you’re facing out to the rest of the room (as opposed to, e.g., her leaning against a fall and you facing her). No one will be attracted to the back of your head.
- Take out your phone. Tell her that you just got it, and ask her if it feel weirdly heavy to her. She’ll take it in her hand. Eventually, she’ll give it back. You smile. It looks like she just gave you her phone number.
These tips are just scratching the surface. Pre-selection and social proof are big topics and there’s a ton you can do to improve your “game” with them. Good luck!
Nick Savoy is a dating coach for men, with over 10,000 successful clients since 2004. He is currently President of Love Systems, which puts on live workshops “bootcamps” all over the world. Follow him at @LS_Savoy.