There’s nothing more embarrassing than an epic sexting (sexual text message) fail. But you can’t run away and hide and refuse to ever talk dirty on your phone again. Well, you can, but you’re going to lose a lot of opportunities with women who think you’re a cold fish or have no game.
Instead, use, learn and respect The New Rules of Sexting.
To a woman, there’s a huge difference between, “You are so sexy and tantalizing. I want you,” and “I’m horny.” The former makes her think of a classy, powerful man who is drawn to her unique feminine sexuality (aka every romance novel in history). The latter reminds her of pimply-faced masturbating teenagers.
In other words, she turns you on. She isn’t just a convenient outlet when your hormones act up. Telling her that she’s a big distraction (in a good way) when you’re trying to work, pay attention or work out, for example, often does the trick.
She might send you sexy pictures. Be impressed—even if it takes more than a cell phone shot of a static nude to turn you on. She’s probably putting herself out there by sending the picture and she’ll feel very devalued if you don’t seem appropriately enraptured. She’s risking her reputation by trusting you not to forward it around!
So should you return the compliment? No. Never. To most women, the male form just isn’t that exciting to look at. All in all, she’s probably less interested in seeing your body than she is in hearing how much hers turns you on. Now, if things are getting really steamy and you’re well-endowed and want to show her the effect she is having on you…that can often be a risk worth taking.
Most people aren’t 100 percent comfortable talking about sex but are often more revealing in writing than they are on the phone, and on the phone more than in person. So take advantage of the medium and her greater comfort level to probe new ground, learn what she likes or even tell her exactly what you’d like to do with her.
Usually this starts with an ambiguous statement that the other person can take in a number of ways. Depending on their response, the conversation can turn sexual or not. Think of the different ways a woman could respond to “You’re being a bad girl today, aren’t you?” or “You know, thinking of you can be kind of distracting when I’m trying to work.” (Don’t overreach with these—there needs to be mutual attraction first and she has to have earned it).
Sexting is also a great time to ask her about her fantasies or test some of yours out on her!
Match your investment level to hers. If she starts to pull back, or doesn’t match your increase in intensity, don’t try to push harder or turn her on more to recover her interest.
This is applies to texting and flirting in general. You should be good at texting to be good at sexting—learn the basics of flirting through text in my free 12-minute video tutorial here.
Equally important? Anticipation and building sexual tension are much more intrinsic to female sexuality than they are to most men. Don’t deprive her of that. Build an air of mystery, of anticipation, of finally coming together in a fit of passion.
Don’t always fill in the specifics. Tell her that you bought something because you’re dying to see her in it (and then rip it off), but don’t tell her what it is. Or tell her something you have in mind (e.g., “Tonight’s the night I’m going to tie you up.”) and leave her thinking and anticipating and imagining for the rest of her day.
Why are you sexting, anyway? It’s not to give Siri an orgasm. Whether you’re sexting within a long-term relationship (or a long-distance one) or building something with someone new, remember that text is kind of impersonal, especially for something so intimate.
Treat sexting like you would making out at the nightclub. It can move a situation forward, let someone know (or remind them) how you feel or even take the edge off if you’re excited. But if you stay too long at that stage without moving forward, it can get stale or she can feel that she got whatever she had with you out of her system. Escalate. If it’s getting really hot and steamy, tell her you want to hear her finish—at least that gets her on the phone. This is a basic text game rule but is even more important when it comes to sexting.
Nick Savoy is the founder of Love Systems and a regular contributor to Playboy.com. Check out his free 12-minute video tutorial on the basics of phone and text game here.