Q. My girlfriend wants a tattoo -- two eyeballs, one for each butt cheek. I don't want to look at that bullshit every time we're doing it doggy style. What should I do?
-- B.Z., New York, New York
A. Pretend you're getting a blow job. If she's serious about this (which we doubt), keep her sober. If she goes through with it, stock up on crotchless panties.