From masturbation to anal sex, our most frequently asked sex questions.
Is it okay to masturbate?
Of course. Masturbation is a normal function at all ages (even fetuses have been observed stroking themselves) to relieve sexual tension or simply as nature's way of teaching eye-hand coordination. As the old joke goes, nine of 10 men masturbate, and the other guy is a liar. Fewer women report masturbating, although that's too bad, since it's a great way to learn what turns you on so you can instruct your lovers. If there is a danger to regular masturbation, it's that you may train yourself to only come from very specific stimulation that isn't readily reproduced during sex with another person.
Where can we find another woman for a threesome?
Many threesomes involve a friend or acquaintance of the girlfriend or wife. Some couples advertise online at sites such as adultfriendfinder.com or meet couples through a swinger's organization (see nasca.com to find a local club). However, when you involve someone you know, she will bring her own expectations and fantasies, which could complicate the situation. For that reason, you may want to consider hiring a professional. It's illegal to pay an escort for sex outside of some counties in Nevada, of course, so we can't advise that. But the advantage of a stranger is that the woman comes with no expectations and leaves when you are ready for her to go. You can find reviews of many hired dates online at sites such as theeroticreview.com. When arranging a threesome of any kind, it is vital that the couple discuss up front what they expect from the encounter, and any ground rules they would like their partner to honor.
Why doesn't my partner want sex more often?
You won't find many couples (besides newlyweds, perhaps, or people who have been dating less than three months) who have perfectly synchronized horniness. This could be due to many factors, including fatigue and illness. One way to address this is to redefine what you consider sex. Often men fall into a trap: They define sex strictly as intercourse or oral sex. But a woman who finds herself exhausted after a long day may enjoy receiving an intimate massage as foreplay, rather than a rush to release. Once she has relaxed, she may find herself in the mood for sex (either then or the next evening). Some couples arrange their schedule to have sex in the morning, or quickies at lunch, to get around the common problem with late-day crankiness. The stereotype is that women don't desire sex as often as men; surveys have found otherwise. But at the same time, many women are socialized to believe that they shouldn't want sex as much as men -- what makes a man a "stud" makes them a "slut." Sex can be part of your everyday life if you expand your definition to include petting, kissing, groping, teasing, massaging, masturbating and voyeurism, as well as intercourse.
If your spouse has decided that he or she doesn't need sex (and therefore you don't either) we suggest getting a copy of The Sex-Starved Marriage, by Michele Weiner Davis, which addresses this topic in much more detail. By the way, for anyone who thinks the man in a relationship always wants more sex, Weiner Davis also has written another book called The Sex-Starved Wife.
My partner and I would like to try anal sex, but she's afraid it will hurt. Do you have any advice?
With the right preparation and care, anal sex can provide immense pleasure. If it hurts, you're doing it wrong. We asked Tristan Taormino, author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, for her thoughts. "Anal sex is the greatest thing going," she says. "It does not have to hurt even a little bit. Start with your pinkie and a lot of lube. Then work up slowly. Try a finger, then two, then a slim butt plug. Dick doesn't happen in one night." Besides the pleasure it can provide, "anal sex builds intimacy," she notes. "The woman might find herself thinking, We worked up to this and I trust this guy. As for men, it's in their best interest to make sure their lovers experience only pleasure during anal sex." Anal play isn't just for women; see Taormino's DVD, The Expert Guide to Anal Pleasure for Men
And no, enjoying anal pleasure doesn't make you gay. Being gay makes you gay.