Q. I'm a 40-year-old married male (no kids) whose wife has almost no interest in sex. I'd prefer sexual relations daily but would be happy with it weekly. Instead, we have sex about once a month. Consequently, I've taken up with a very attractive young lady who provides sexual satisfaction without infidelity. How? Through simultaneous masturbation. When my wife is out, my lover comes over and changes into sexy lingerie. Like a strip dancer, she starts writhing around on the bed or floor, getting me hot. Then we share in sexual dirty talk and masturbate ourselves. After we're both satisfied, she dresses and leaves. Other than a casual hug at the door, we never touch. I feel I'm not cheating on my wife since there is no sexual contact between us. My lover disagrees, insisting we are having an affair. I believe that if confronted, I can look my wife straight in the eye and state that I have never cheated on her. Still, this young lady has threatened to tell my wife that we are having an affair. If she does, assuming I could prove the extent of our contact, could my wife divorce me on grounds of adultery?
-- T. D., Seattle, Washington
A. What do you call this? Safe sex? If you found your wife writhing around for another man, would you take it calmly? There is infidelity here -- on both sides. When a partner lets a sexual relationship die -- without the courage to seek counseling or communicate -- he or she is being unfaithful. The affair just moves into that vacuum.