The Seven Deadly Sins of Sex

By Olive Day

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<p>Don't you dare do any of these seven deadly sins of sex.</p>


I’m not the town bicycle, but I’m also no prude—I’ve had a lot of sex and the fact that I’m in my late 20s means that I should know what I like and don’t like by now. I’m not saying that I’ll never explore again, of course! Trying new things is an exciting part of sex. But there are seven things that I will never do again and I strongly urge you to cut ties with these seven deadly sins of sex.

  1. Sex in the Shower

One of my boyfriends in college was overly turned on by shower sex. I’m sure at this very moment he and his wife are enjoying some really great water play together, but when we dated his passion for mixing liquids with pleasure was still in its infancy. I was subjected to an alarming amount of heavy breathing outside of my shower and “surprise” appearances on mornings I thought I had the apartment to myself when he and his giant eyes would come into the bath to ogle, then fumble around with our wet bodies to attempt some form of sex. Shower sex is just the worst. Chances are you’re not built like  Kevin Durant and I’m not as petite as Jesse Jane. There’s so much at play in the shower, like slippery surfaces, different heights and weights…that dream of frantic "oh my god I have to have you now" sex is just not going to happen. You know what else is really sucky? Being dropped and hitting your ass on the tap. I don’t have any fond memories of shower sex and I never will because it’s number one on my list of sexual no-gos.

  1. Brazilian Waxes

I stopped getting Brazilians when I was 20 years old. Actually, I should rephrase that: I stopped getting Brazilians after I got my first at a small-town nail salon for 40 bucks. I’m pretty sure I cried all the way home. Did I notice a spike in my number of sexual partners while I was packing a hairless vagina in my pants?Yes, but only because I figured I may as well get my money’s worth and find out what all of the fuss was about. The history of the bush is a strange and wonderful thing, and if you’ve been paying attention to your centerfolds, you’ll see that the Brazilian has been fading out of vogue for quite some time. For one, waxing is not a highly regulated industry. Because of the laissez-faire attitude to policing who can rip what off of whom, it means that some women end up with infections, bruising and broken skin which can require antibiotics or even surgery. I’m not saying you should stop cleaning up down there, but ripping all your hair off, or insisting that your girlfriend keep a hairless vagina, is not a good idea. Go for a bikini wax or a landing strip instead; it’s less creepy looking anyway.

  1. Offensive Sex Moves

My bedroom is not a frat and I am not a conquest. If you’ve sat around drinking pilsner with your pals in the span of the past five years and have brought up donkey punches, dirty sanchezes, pearl necklaces or teabagging over the course of the evening, you are not ready to have sex with a real woman.

  1. Handjobs

I’m ready for your pitchforks, dear readers, but I think we should retire our used tissues and rags and hang them high in the rafters so we can always remember our dear friend the handjob. Ah, wasn’t it a great run? Aren’t you happy you outgrew it after you loved your first boyfriend so much that you gave him a handy underneath the bleachers? It’s so great that you’ve taken off those training wheels and have incorporated your hand into your blowjob experience. Comedian Donald Glover said it the best on his Comedy Central stand-up special when he said, “Kix are like the handjobs of cereal. You're like, ‘This is pretty good, but you know what I really want.’"

  1. Giving and Receiving Road Head

Road head is one of those things that I’m knocking before I’ve tried it. It’s just one step away from mechanophilia in my book. I get that the idea of having sex in the backseat of a car is a turn-on and that the act of voyeurism can be really hot under certain circumstances, but in no universe will I ever bend myself over and have a stick shift pummel my ribcage for any kind of oral. It just seems like the logistics are much more in the way than anything. You have to pull your pants down so she can access you, but in doing so you really restrict the movement of your legs. Not only is it super uncomfortable for the giver, shouldn’t the receiver sign some sort of waiver on the off chance they get bitten? I’m sorry, my life is not some coming-of-age ’90s flick and I don’t plan on ever giving road head a whirl. If you really can’t wait, pull over and get busy against a tree.

  1. Flavored Lubricant

I’ll never forget the gay bar my friends and I would frequent in college. We always had a great time there singing karaoke and finding hot dates and we always left with pockets full of condoms that were doled out in the unisex bathrooms by a very handsome gentleman in a sailor’s outfit. The only downside to all of this was that those free condoms were rainbow-colored and slathered in flavored lube. So, on the off chance you met a cute guy and brought him home, his dick was going to taste like a banana split, or if he finished you off with oral, you had to pray he was cool with grape-flavored lady bits. I’m not sure who the demographic is for flavored sexual lubricants exactly, but I feel as if it’s that same weird gray area of candy cigarettes. Flavored anything is so wrong and so childish! So if I find out you have a bottle of cherry lube in your dresser, you better bet your ass I’ll be down for nothing more than second base.

  1. Chocolate Sauce

There is a mattress out there in a landfill that is stained with chocolate sauce and it’s all thanks to me. Like shower sex, introducing chocolate sauce into your foreplay should be left to your friendly porn professionals or locked deep inside your spank bank fantasies. In my case, the consistency of our sex shop “chocolate-flavored lovemaking aid” was pudding. It was gloppy and left a thick gleam on the body when not eaten immediately. You’d be surprised at how sticky and very (so very) messy it gets. In the end you will probably regret it. Who wants to clean up stained sheets after sex anyway? Getting it anywhere near your penis can end up giving her a yeast infection and yourself a UTI, too, so it’s better to just skip the chocolate-covered tits and eat afterwards. Eating afterwards is one of the best parts of sex anyway; why would you want to take that away from either of us?


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