Not sure where to turn for advice this Valentine's Day? Sure, Miss Manners or Dear Abby can answer all your fork-related etiquette inquiries, but your questions are a little less refined. Look no further. Tracie Egan Morrissey and Rich Juzwiak have been dispensing hilarious answers to all of life's questions in their online advice column Pot Psychology on Jezebel, and this past November they published Pot Psychology's How to Be: Lowbrow Advice from High People with more of the real talk we know and love (with added cute animals pretending they're people). We sat down with them to get their take on some of the hardest problems facing our readers this Valentine's Day.
Playboy.com: What songs are a must on your V-day playlist?
Juzwiak: I’ve been thinking a lot about music and sex, so this is at the top of my brain. I really like the new Destiny’s Child song, “Nuclear”; I think that’s really good for sex. “Promise” by Ciara is a song I really like to have sex to. And, personally, anything from Janet Jackson’s baby-making catalog I really really like a lot. “Let’s Wait a While,” “Funny How Time Flies (When You’re Having Fun)” is great, and stuff like “Anytime, Anyplace” and “Warmth” and “Moist” and “Take Care,” I love all that. No matter what you say about Janet, she can still make a great baby-making song.
Morrissey: Do you still call it “baby-making music” if you have butt-sex with a guy?
Juzwiak: Yeah, totally. I don’t try to get people pregnant—
Morrissey: Butt babies. [laughs]
Juzwiak: I really don’t try to get anybody pregnant. Always use protection, always. But I like the idea of trying to make babies; I feel like it would be particularly vigorous. So that’s how I like to talk about sex. I tend to like more mid-tempo beat-based stuff than your typical quiet storm. Oh, and “Moments in Love” by Art of Noise is my favorite song to have sex to.
Morrissey: Also, though, if you don’t have someone to spend Valentine’s Day with then I think maybe The Smiths or Mariah Carey.
Playboy.com: On that note, do you have any good advice for single guys who want to meet a girl on Valentine’s Day?
Morrissey: Hmm…no. [laughs]
Juzwiak: [Laughs] What do they do? Literally, I don’t even…If you don’t have somebody to spend Valentine’s Day with, to kind of force it and pick somebody is a little bit strange. I don’t know. Go to a bar.
Morrissey: Yeah. Go to a bar. You can probably find a sad girl.
Juzwiak: It’s probably even better, because there are going to be people in that situation as well. So do what you normally do to get laid. And I bet you will absolutely get laid.
Playboy.com: What’s the best Valentine’s Day gift for your girlfriend? Wife? Mistress?
Morrissey: I think you should get all of them jewelry. Right?
Juzwiak: I’d been thinking flowers.
Morrissey: What can you do with flowers? Throw flowers away. It’s like, “What am I gonna do with this shit in the house for two days?” I think flowers are overrated and they don’t last.
Juzwiak: So you’d give jewelry across the board? Even a mistress? I think you’d get your mistress panties.
Morrissey: Mistresses don’t wear panties.
Juzwiak: [Laughs] Get your mistress crotchless panties. What about a sex toy? I feel like if your contact is sexual then your gift should be sexual. For a serious girlfriend, jewelry makes sense; wife, absolutely makes sense. Girlfriend, depending on the seriousness, you could do flowers.
Morrissey: I feel like girlfriend is fancy dinner. At a place that has cloth napkins.
Playboy.com: What is the worst Valentine’s day gift that you could make for someone?
Morrissey: If you make it at all, I think it’s a horrible gift. Spend money on me!
Juzwiak: I think dinner would be a shitty thing to make someone on Valentine’s Day unless you’re a supremely good cook, and you’d have to be a proven good cook, you can’t think you’re a good cook, you have to have this on record somehow. Either you’d been on Top Chef, or—
Morrissey: And it’d have to be like lobster, expensive ingredients. But any kind of crafts, I would never. I love crafting and I would never do that to somebody.
Playboy.com: Do you think the book is a great Valentine’s Day gift?
Morrissey: Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, I think a really good gift for someone for Valentine’s Day is our book. [laughs] I’d kind of forgotten that!
Juzwiak: Thank you for helping us with that.
Morrissey: You know what, that’s what you should get your mistress.
Juzwiak: I think our book is good for that. Good for any holiday, really! We do have gift suggestions in the book, and one of the suggestions in the book is the book.
Morrissey: We have suggestions on what to give people you just started seeing without looking like a freak or like you’re too into it.
Playboy.com: I thought that section had some very good recommendations.
Morrissey: [Laughs] Would you buy someone a novelty wig?
Playboy.com: I would.
Morrissey: One of those nudie pens. That’s a good Valentine’s Day gift, actually.
Juzwiak: Maybe nudie cards!
Playboy.com: What would you say is the worst Valentine’s Day gift you could buy for someone?
Juzwiak: Unsexy underwear. Oh, no, no. The worst gift you can buy someone is something they already have, because you should know them better.
Morrissey: Or Spanx. Like a suggestion, the kind of gift that suggests how you could make yourself better.
Juzwiak: Or suggests a way that that person could help you, such as a kitchen appliance that you didn’t specifically ask for, or a vacuum cleaner or something if you live with them.
Morrissey: One time my husband got me an apron.
Playboy.com: Was it a sexy apron?
Morrissey: Noooo. No! I guess if I didn’t wear anything under it, it would be sexy, but it had a recipe for apple pancakes printed on it, so it wasn’t sexy at all.
Playboy.com: Was it a hint that he wanted you to make him apple pancakes?
Morrissey: I don’t even know! He was just like, “Oh, I thought you’d like this.” No. [laughs] To me that says, “Bitch, get in the kitchen.”
Playboy.com: We have a few reader questions for you guys. First: “I’ve only been seeing this girl for a little while now. What’s the best low-pressure way to do Valentine’s Day when you’ve only been dating for a few weeks?”
Morrissey: Dinner. I feel like you can’t go wrong with dinner.
Juzwiak: Alternatively, you could order in, which is dinner but also in a context in which you can talk and also then you won’t have to plan too much, you can kind of play it by ear. I think that’s the way to do it.
Morrissey: If a guy wants to spend Valentine’s Day with a girl that he just started dating, she’s going to be happy. Unless he doesn’t want to pursue any kind of relationship; then he should probably not spend Valentine’s Day with her. Because that’ll just lead her on.
Playboy.com: Our next question: “Is writing a song or a poem for a girl you like but have never talked to an appropriate way to let her know you’re into her?”
Morrissey: I think a song or a poem would be bad. I would not like it if someone wrote me a song and I would make fun of someone if they wrote me a poem. Unless the poem was funny.
Juzwiak: I wouldn’t like either. There’s nothing that that’s going to accomplish that just talking to somebody wouldn’t anyway. And when you have the added layer of them judging your output…If it’s a good song then all it’s going to do is enter you into a conversation that you could have had anyway if you were just straightforward, but if it’s a bad song or if it doesn’t jibe with their taste that might block you from having a conversation. That seems like a lot of needless ceremony. Just talk to the person. I feel a lot of pressure receiving a piece of art from somebody I didn’t know.
Morrissey: It’s a risk/reward situation. The person’s either going to really love it or really make fun of you.
Playboy.com: “Is it wrong to expect sex on Valentine’s Day if you’re seeing someone?”
Juzwiak: I think that you should expect sex; you should demand sex. If you don’t have sex, there’s something up. That always struck me as natural that you’d do it on Valentine’s Day or any other milestone. No, I don’t think it’s messed up at all. I think you should always expect sex but certainly on Valentine’s Day. Come on, what’s the point?
Morrissey: You should expect sex, but not to the point of raping somebody.
Juzwiak: [Laughs] Of course! Expecting and acting on those expectations are two different things.Illustrations and cover art by Lindsay Mound.