By Michael Kaplan
On-air, as one of Howard Stern's endlessly abused sidekicks, Artie Lange clearly finds it easy to be hilariously self-deprecating and brutally honest. Off-air, discussing his sex life with Playboy.com, he's no less restrained.
1. Give me your number-one teenage masturbation fantasy girl?
Artie Lange: Heather Thomas from The Fall Guy. I had a poster of her in my room and remember spending a lot of time looking at her nice tits and ass.
2. How, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?
AL: I was 17, in the back of my father's van, with a girl that I met down at the Jersey Shore. It was what you would call a photo finish. If you went to the photo, there would be no conclusive evidence of penetration. But I'm counting it.
3. What's the best drug for sex?
AL: Definitely not booze. Definitely not weed. Coke is good while you're doing it. But, when you're done, the chick you're with, if she's really into coke, will steal everything you own. I did ecstasy once, with a cute girl from a comedy club. Then she met someone else and I went home alone to masturbate. Actually, that was really great.
4. Tell me your worst "morning after" story.
AL: See, one time I had sex with a girl, but her bed was real small, so I ended up sleeping on the floor. Her dog had elephantitis of the nuts and he slept on the floor as well. That morning I heard a slurping sound and the dog was licking its enormous balls -- just one inch away from my face. Plus, I had dog hair all over my jacket. The girl was cute, but I got up and left immediately.
5. What's the grossest sex act you've seen on The Howard Stern Show?
AL: A guy who came on the show likes to have chicks throwing up on him. A woman did it, and he seemed to get excited.
