6. You guys make up a lot of embarrassing nicknames for people. Which Stern Show nickname would you give your dick?
AL: Stuttering John.
7. How much clout does the show give you with strippers?
AL: A lot. If you get a stripper on the Stern Show, it's like getting a terrorist a meeting with Allah. I've promised to get chicks on. But I never follow through -- for fear that it might get me fired.
8. Do funny guys get laid a lot?
AL: If you consider me a funny guy, the answer is no. Girls say they like funny guys, but they have sex with unfunny guys. Plus, all girls think good-looking guys are funny. It's like when a good-looking girl tries to be funny, you laugh at her no matter what. That explains why girls think George Clooney is funny.
9. If you had a choice between fucking a super-hot chick or eating the world's greatest sub sandwich ever, which would you choose?
AL: Sex with a super-hot chick. I can get another sub sandwich, easy, for five bucks. And an average sub sandwich satisfies me.
10. Do a lot of hot chicks recognize you now that you're on the Stern Show?
AL: It's mostly plumbers who recognize me. It's all guys who look like me. They say, "Hey, Artie! I like you." If I was a chubby-chasing gay guy, I'd be getting laid like crazy.
11. Have you gotten any usable sex tips from porno girls who come on the show?
AL: No. I'm just as bad a lover as I was before the show. Sometimes I feel bad for my girlfriend when I'm on top -- it hurts her ribs. So, bottom is my position of choice. But that's also because I'm lazy. It's a good time to catch up on reading.
12. Before your joining the Stern team, what would have been the odds of you photographing a Playboy Playmate?
AL: You would have to go to M.I.T. and ask a mathematician that question. He'd have to figure out the absolute highest number. It would be that to one.
