By Sam Jemielity
"I'm gonna do me about a million girls," Bret Michaels sings on Rock Star, off Poison's new album, Hollyweird. Clearly, being a lead singer in a band has its perks, particularly when it's hair-metal stalwarts Poison -- arguably the most sex-obsessed band in the sex-obsessed genre of glam rock. Judging by the lurid lyrics of songs such as I Want Action, Sexual Thing and Look What the Cat Dragged In ("I got a girl on the left of me, a girl on the right, I know damn well I slept with both last night"), Michaels would qualify for a Ph.D in Sex, if universities gave out those sorts of things. We wanted to learn at the feet of a master, so we tossed the Dirty Dozen at the man who sings Talk Dirty to Me. He rewarded our prurient curiosity by explaining the joys of sex on weed, the art of talking dirty and the wrong way to use a reservoir condom.
1. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
Bret Michaels: I was 14 turning 15. She was a little older. I had to stop at a Sunoco gas station and buy a condom. I had never used a condom before, but naturally I lied and told her I had done it many times. We went into the woods on my Kawasaki 90 and I laid down a crusty blanket in a field. I'll never forget her laying down on the blanket and smoking a cigarette. The condom was unlubricated, and it felt like putting a dry raincoat on. It made me feel manly, because I had no idea that you weren't supposed to use the reservoir at the end. I'm thinking, 'I must be pretty decent sized, because this thing is really tight.' So the rubber busted. She goes, "Do you have that thing on?" And this is how I started my whole sexual experience...by lying. I said, "Why absolutely, it's on tight as can be." I pumped about one-and-a-half times and fired what seemed to be about a quart of milk. She didn't even get a chance to put the cigarette down.
2. Have you ever had a threesome?
BM: Yes. My first real threesome was during Poison's first year touring, opening for Ratt in San Antonio, Texas. After our show, I got approached, actually by not two but three girls. So it was a foursome. I made it to two of the three. They were all enjoying themselves. Two out of three isn't bad.
3. Do you prefer giving oral sex or receiving?
BM: Both. I love going down on a woman. That's probably my biggest turn-on. After my first sexual experience, the foreplay thing was beaten into me. So I've learned to get good at it. And obviously I love receiving it. It's a win-win.
4. What music do you listen to when you have sex?
BM: This is the strangest thing for me to say. When I'm having sex, I don't like any music on. I like the sound and the rhythm of her body. I don't like any music, because it distracts me. My brain starts to think about stage shit. When I hear an AC/DC song -- much as I love AC/DC -- I start to listen to it and it distracts me. I like no music on and just being totally into the woman.
