Paying your bills by sticking your arm up a sock puppet's ass is a dicey proposition, but Liam Lynch beat the odds when he co-created the late 1990s MTV cult classic Sifl and Olly. These days, this writer/director/musician has his hands in plenty of other things, including video spots for the Foo Fighters and No Doubt and helming the upcoming Tenacious D flick. But his coup of the year was "My United States of Whatever," a spazzy anthem from Sifl and Olly that topped the charts in Britain and became a U.S. radio favorite (vote for it now in Playboy magazine's 2003 music poll).

Lynch has robots in his home and more episodes of Dr. Who on tape than your buddy who lives in his mom's basement -- of course he digs quirky chicks. "I really like smart-looking girls who curse a lot and have great senses of humor," he confides. "But I will have to be a typical male and say that, yes, I love boobs. Who doesn't? Even girls love boobs. If they don't have 'em then they frickin' buy them!" Recently Lynch clued us in about his other sexual quirks -- and told us why nerds are better in bed.

1. If you directed an adult film, what would it be like?

Liam Lynch: The one I'd most like to make would be a totally anatomically incorrect porno. It would be shot on video and would look just like a normal porno, but in the close-up shots there would be these really disturbing freakish things going on. They would be shown as if they were totally normal though...like they weren't a big deal. All the sex parts would be redesigned. The man would have a knuckle in his penis, like a finger, and would actually pull the woman's panties down with it. The woman would have a second vagina between her breasts. Assholes would have tongues in them like weird puckered mouths. Very disturbing, yes. I'd also like to make a robot porno. It would be very hydraulic and with all these weird adaptors and fluids and things. Think how noisy it would be.

2. As a director, have you ever videotaped yourself having sex?

LL: Actually, no. I can't believe I haven't. And why are you interested in purchasing something like this?

3. Have any good pickup lines?

LL: I'm just not into that. I don't go to bars, and I have never tried to pick someone up. I could never just walk up to some chick and say, "Yo mamma, I gots a switch-blade shlong...ya wanna get it on?"

4. Do you have a nickname for your privates?

LL: Just a few: The Devistator, Cockasaurus, The Donkey Pole, Girth Vader, Harry Potter.

5. What advantages do nerdy guys have when it comes to scoring chicks?

LL: Nerdy guys are more patient. They're horny...but not in a forceful way. They savor it because it could be the last or only time. They give more. Didn't you see the movie Revenge of the Nerds? That dude boned the heck out of the super popular chick at the end and blew her mind.

next

01 · 02

Photo: Allen Scott