Talk the talk

How to break the ice on a first date

by Lola Augustine Brown

Sometimes breaking the ice on a first date can be tough, especially if you are naturally shy. Luckily, you can learn to improve your oral and aural appeal. Confidence expert Leil Lowndes, author of many books including How to Talk to Anyone, Goodbye to Shy and How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You, shares her tips for saying the right things and coming across great on a first date.

Drop the lines
Unfortunately, there is no sure-fire winning opening line that will guarantee you charm the pants off your date the second you open your mouth. Making a good impression is a tad more complicated than that and is dependent on the situation as well as the person you are talking to, says Lowndes. That said, there are certain types of ice-breaking questions that work very well.

Lowndes’s favorite question to ask a new person is, “What is your average day like?” This is an interesting, thought-provoking question that shows you are interested and is fun to answer, because most people like talking about themselves. Another good one, if the person you are meeting is from somewhere else originally is, “What brought you to the city?” Answers to both of these questions should deliver enough information to fuel further conversation.

Take your shy and shove it
“The first thing you need to realize when you are nervous about talking to your date is that they are probably just as shy as you are,” says Lowndes. “The trick is to think confidently, because if your thinking is that you are shy then your body just folds up.” You need to keep good posture, display open body language (no arms folded, etc.) lean in towards your date and make sure you look your date in the eyes, as shy people often have difficulty making eye contact. These things might sound obvious, but they are things that too many of us forget when dating and often require practice until they happen naturally.

Lowndes advises that guys nod while their date is talking to them, as it shows they are listening and absorbing what is being said. (This takes effort as men usually only nod when they agree with something, while women nod more naturally in conversation to show that they are paying attention.)

Bring out the energy
Practice speaking more energetically, and you’ll automatically become more interesting. “Energy level has a lot to do with whether or not people find us interesting to talk to,” says Lowndes. “If you inject energy into your voice, anything you talk about will come across as interesting, but using one flat tone will make you sound dull.”

The same goes with gestures, as these really add to conversation. While you don’t want to be practicing semaphore or throwing gang signs as you try to win your date over, making bigger gestures will make your conversation more compelling. Lowndes advises watching people at parties who do this well, then trying to incorporate their gesture styling in to your own interactions.

Become more interesting
Lowndes says that it doesn’t take much to become more interesting to the opposite sex. This might involve learning about things you are not necessarily yourself, or don’t yet know that you are, interested in. She advises that guys pick up Psychology Today magazine to read up on touchy-feely subjects that will make good conversation starters. (Reading fluffy women’s magazines won’t do this!)

Don’t even go there
There are definite conversation no-go zones if you are trying to connect with someone for the first time. Lowndes advice: “Guys should avoid talking about other dates or making any kind of sexual innuendoes or jokes. Men often say things about their sexual preferences on a first date and most women find that really off-putting.”