QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK - January 16, 2008

Neil, White Plains NY:

I am engaged to be married. All my friends keep telling me I should insist on a prenuptial agreement but I am unsure and do not want to risk losing my fiancée. What do you recommend?

The Lawyer of Love:

Test her love. Demand a prenup.

A prenuptial agreement can be written to serve many purposes. You may protect your assets, prevent your hard-earned salary from ending up in her greedy hands, keep your retirement funds and income from being commingled, do estate planning and avoid spending substantial sums of money when you litigate your divorce action (yes, I said "when" not "if"). Even if all you think you have to protect is your baseball card collection, a prenup will prevent thousands from being spent just to litigate whether the card collection really was your property prior to the marriage. You cannot, however, protect child-related issues in a prenup (see below), or your sanity once you are married. A prenup also will not guarantee that she will eventually succumb to your repeated requests for a threesome with her hot friend.

Anyone who gets married without a prenuptial agreement is a tool. I know, you think prenuptial agreements are only useful when you're The Donald. Wrong! This misconception was probably purposely created by women. Worse yet, you are the insecure guy who thinks she will leave you if you even try to present the issue. Wrong again. The ultimate test is whether she wants to marry you for your money or for love. If you have balls, you will want to find out sooner rather than later (in other words, not after she has retained me and you don't have a prenup). If she leaves you because she won't sign one, consider yourself blessed and celebrate in Vegas with all the money you would have spent on the wedding.

Craig, Seattle WA:

I have been dating a woman on and off for a few years and she became pregnant and recently gave birth to a baby boy. She claims the baby is mine. I went to the hospital and the nurse handed me some papers to sign. The baby looks just like me, and I was wondering if I should just sign the paperwork.

The Lawyer of Love:

You are not the father until a DNA test says so.

The following advice is invaluable: If your girlfriend or any female friend calls and tells you she is knocked up with your child, do not sign any forms at the hospital or any forms she gives you until you consult a lawyer. In particular, the form she will be attempting to have you sign is called a Voluntary Acknowledgment of Paternity Form ("VAP," or some derivative depending on where you live).

If you sign it, it operates as a judgment and is conclusive of paternity unless you rescind it within the short time set forth in the form. In other words, it is conclusive that you are the daddy, and it is virtually impossible to reverse unless you prove fraud or duress. Even if the baby looks just like you, do not sign. Looks are deceiving and your girlfriend could be banging six guys (maybe at the same time) who look like you. In short, always request a DNA test to determine if the child is really yours.

Steve, Cincinnati OH:

I have only been married for two years but I am already bored with my wife and believe she only married me for my money. I am not sure if I am just going through a phase and want to end my marriage. When is the right time to hire a divorce lawyer?

The Lawyer of Love:

When should you hire a divorce lawyer? The day after you say, "I do."

Call me cynical, but I'm a realist. Let's say you ignored that little voice telling you to get a prenup and now you are regretting the decision. What can you do? You have options.

If you are concerned that you need to understand how to protect yourself in the event of a divorce, you are correct. At the very minimum, you should meet with a divorce lawyer to review how marriage affects your assets, income and liabilities. An education in divorce early on in your relationship will undoubtedly change your life and your thinking. A savvy divorce lawyer will explain how you can structure your income, assets and liabilities to give you maximum protection. You can also learn how to keep your separate premarital property, if any, from being considered commingled or turning into marital property. You may also need to find a highly creative accountant and estate planning lawyer to assist with your game plan. What are you waiting for? Make that appointment. The worst that could happen is that you may learn something, fall in love with your divorce lawyer and have a happy ending.

Joseph, Lincoln NE:

I am unhappily married with two children. My wife wants to go back to work now that the children are in grade school but I am opposed to having a nanny care for my kids. I eventually want to get a divorce but want to wait until my kids are in high school. Are there any benefits to my wife working right now?

The Lawyer of Love:

Always make your wife work.

If you thought you were being Mr. Wonderful by allowing your wife to shop, take care of the kids and sun herself by the pool while you bust your ass to support her and your family, you are not alone. She plays to your ego, works you over and in no time has you convinced that she must stay home and take care of the house and kids. Without another thought, you buy into this bullshit. Well, Mr. Wonderful, you will end up living in the poor house. By allowing her to sit on her ass while you support her in the lifestyle of which she has become accustomed, if you get un-hitched you have effectively added an additional long-term mortgage payment without the benefits of a roof over your head. It's called maintenance, support or what is formerly known as alimony.

So what is a guy to do? Grow some balls and make sure Wifey has an education beyond the first grade and that she remains employed at full capacity no matter how many children she bears. If you are really confident, you will marry a professional woman -- and no, I don't mean a hooker. If you still need the trophy wife, make sure part of the reason she got the trophy was by working.

Robert, Tuscon AZ:

I have been married for 20 years and just started an affair with this woman I met at a party. I am head over heels for this woman and not thinking clearly. I love my wife and I am not sure I want to end my marriage. Do you have any simple tips for me?

The Lawyer of Love:

Not all oral is created equal, and the written word may screw you.

So you're having the seven-year itch or a bad mid-life crisis but you're not ready to make a decision about whether to end your marriage. You meet this amazing single woman who makes you feel like a teenager and the sex is mind-blowing. You cannot control your urges and feel totally invincible. You send flowers, erotic e-mails and text messages, take her on expensive vacations, buy her lavish gifts and leave her hot voicemail messages. Then it hits: Your mistress becomes more and more demanding and needy. You start feeling trapped, the excitement wanes and so does your libido. So, you end the affair and decide that your marriage is not so bad.

Let's fast forward. You ended an affair and your mistress has been scorned. You have left all types of evidence, including oral evidence like voicemails on her answering machine. Voicemails can be used against you because there is no reasonable expectation of privacy when you know you are being recorded. You have created a paper trail that even O.J.'s prosecution team could track. So, guys, if you are going to play around, just remember to whisper sweet nothings in her ear and not in writing.