Most Romantic Tiki Bar
Hala Kahiki
River Grove, IL
Opened in 1966, and still family-owned, Hala Kahiki's environment is perfectly preserved, classic lounge-era tiki. With barely enough light to see, a huge collection of vintage tikis by classic designer Witco (who also decorated parts of the Playboy Mansion), and table service by wait staff clad in muumuus (pick one up in their extensive gift shop), Hala Kahiki is ideal for romantic encounters, be they first dates or marriage proposals. No one sits at the small bar in the front; the action is at the candle-lit tables in the back room or on the outdoor patio. Don't go there looking for new romance, however -- everyone at HK is spoken for. Show up after dinner: While we worship the presence of 95 drinks on the exhaustive menu, the only food you'll get is pretzels.
Mai Tai Inu: The Zombie. Not for the inexperienced!

Tiki Bar That Belongs In Swingers
Alibi
Portland, OR
Tikis and tropical foliage blend right in with the red leather booths and casino machines in Portland's own little tiki treasure, which dates back to 1947. Frank and Joey would have been right at home in this one -- and you can summon their spirits on karaoke night if you're so inclined. Summoning spirits of a more intoxicating kind may help your singing: The scorpion and Singapore sling at the Alibi are worth a try or three. The Rat Pack would have approved of the grub here, too, since cheap and tasty all-American steak and potato dishes fill the menu.
Mai Tai Inu: The Scorpion. When Don the Beachcomber invented this OJ and rum concoction in the Forties, he called it "a real dirty stinker!" Sammy and Dino would have agreed.

Tiki Bar Across the Pacific
La Mariana Sailing Club
Honolulu, Oahu, HI
This is, hands down, the best of the surprisingly few real tiki bars in Hawaii. Opened in 1952 by Annette Nahinu, La Mariana's multiple rooms are crammed full of tiki statues, glass floats, aquariums, a waterfall and -- of course -- taxidermy puffer fish, set against a spectacular view of the Pacific. When the legendary Tahitian Lanai closed, La Mariana grabbed its most cherished tikis and added them to a collection of artifacts rescued from defunct local lounges like Don the Beachcomber's, Trader Vic's, Kon Tiki, the Tropics and Tiki Hut.

Mai Tai Inu: Mai Tai. Every bar on the islands claims to make the best mai tai on the islands. La Mariana just might be the one that deserves that claim.

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