Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, right?
For as long as I can remember, I was always told that in order to gain a man’s attention, I’d have to play hard to get. Whether it was television, books, friends or older women, my subconscious was somehow constantly drilled with the notion that showing my cards would never end well, and the only way to truly “get the guy” was to make him feel like you didn’t want to be caught.
Well, I always had a problem with that.
I never understood why women were being taught to repress their emotions and why we were celebrating acting outside of our character. If I liked someone, I wasn’t shy to show it, but apparently, that simplicity was not valued when it came to dating. I was constantly bombarded with friends criticizing my transparent behavior, telling me I’m single because, “guys like the chase, and you’re letting him know you like him upfront!”
So, I tried to play the game. I would act aloof, let men know they weren’t a priority, drop hints that others were interested, just to name a few—and you know what? That never ended well, either, and as I grew older I realized why. Aside from feeling like a fraud, this false message of “playing hard to get” not only requires you to act as somebody else, but it ensures you attract the wrong kind of partner. Why would I want a man who is attracted to somebody I’m not? Furthermore, why am I trying to attract a man who values a difficult relationship? By trying to constantly play hard to get, you attract men who are more interested in the thrill of the chase than the thrill of actually being with you.
“Playing hard to get is one example of ‘playing games.’ If you have to play games to attract a romantic partner, you might have to keep playing those games to sustain their interest in you,” relationship coach Adam Maynard tells me. “You’re not necessarily representing yourself very well. In your effort to keep them on their toes you’re not being clear about who you really are and what you really want. Hiding yourself away like this might not actually feel so good to you, and it also deprives the other person of the information they need to truly know if you’re a good fit for one another.”
“A man who only wants what he can’t have likely has difficulty when it comes to accepting love—because should the affection become reciprocated, he’s gone. “
So where did this idea of playing hard to get come from? And why do we insist on keeping it alive?
While many may point the finger at society and the media, Maynard states that we’re taught to play this game, “because it’s consistent with skewed ideas about love, worth, and authenticity that are communicated to us in most other areas of our lives. We’re conditioned to believe that who we are isn’t enough. The shame we naturally feel when we internalize this sort of thinking typically manifests in one of two ways: We either hide our true selves away and pretend to be someone we’re not, or we overcompensate in the other direction and adopt an inflated sense of ourselves.”
He continues, “Both of these reactions play straight into the impulse to play hard to get. On the one hand, if our partner is willing to chase after us then we must be worthy of love and affection. On the other, we hold fast to the idea that the privilege of our partnership must be earned, even if it comes at great personal cost to our partners.”
The desire to play hard to get may also be stemming from unresolved insecurities, Maynard adds. “They could fear real intimacy—vulnerably connecting with someone up close. This could be related to a fear of rejection—the idea that who they are really could be found lacking.”
Sometimes people confuse playing hard to get with simply being busy. Listen, we all have our stuff that’s got to get done, and no one’s asking you to drop everything for this new crush you just met. As long as you’re being genuine about it, it’s fine. The problem lies when you’re being “fake busy” because you think that makes you more desirable, and you end up succumbing to random dating “rules” that you’ve adopted. If you feel like texting him, why wait for him to text you first? If you want to see him, why wait for him to make the first move? If you like him, why keep acting like you don’t give a shit about him?
“When a man values a woman (and more importantly, values himself), do you think he cares about how fast she texts back or scoffs at her willingness to make time for him? “
Men do like the hunt. They get a mini high from seeing something that doesn’t come too easy (hello, testosterone). I see it all the time with men who think I’m playing hard to get, when in fact, I just have no interest. But it was clear to see that their interest was rooted in the fact that they couldn’t have me. A man who only wants what he can’t have likely has difficulty when it comes to accepting love—because should the affection become reciprocated, he’s gone. Or as Maynard put it, “They could also be holding onto a subconscious belief that they don’t deserve a love that’s more freely given.”
I’m good on all that.
There are other men who appreciate a woman who is straightforward and have gleefully retired their jersey in the “playing games” department when it comes to dating. According to my recently conducted Twitter poll, 77 percent of men don’t like when women play hard to get. When a man values a woman (and more importantly, values himself), and she reciprocates his feelings, do you think he cares about how fast she texts back or scoffs at her willingness to make time for him? No! He’s hyped that he doesn’t have to play this damn cat-and-mouse game and can experience something genuine.
Playing hard to get is just that—playing. And you know what they always say: Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. It’s all very simple, but we tend to complicate things. You like someone, fear sets in because “oh no maybe they don’t like me back,” you tell that fear to take a seat, you act sincerely and honestly, put on your confidence pants and see what happens.
And if you keep feeling the need to play hard to get, take Maynard’s advice: “Ask yourself if the experience you’re having is truly fulfilling to you, and if it’s bringing you the results you want. If you’re not ultimately satisfied, consider being more forthright with potential partners about your interest in them and about the kind of relationship you’re looking for.”